Confession and failed marriage

[blohsg]

yeah ... good luck ... it's a long and winding up slope ... you'll need to breathe and b positive ... whatever she puts out at you for what you've done you've got to accept responsibility / own up / be honest ... if this is what it takes to save your marriage, just do it. You want it to work again, you put yourself in it and take the shit ...

Imagine you have a box ... all the shit you're getting now is being put inside there ... once you think you can't take it anymore you find your own space/time and be alone ... imagine all that HATE/FRUSTRATIONS/ANGER in the box is being tipped over & emptied out ... pour out all the contents ... make sure it's empty and then you can start all over again filling it up again ... repeatedly ... as long as it takes ...

You can only trust now ... whoever she may message or tries to do ... you can only trust ... it may not work out eventually but you only can hang on to hope ... or console yourself at least that you've done all your best ...

[newyorker88]

Originally Posted by shoei

bro, thanks for ur prospective. your words really talked to my heart. I dun sent her to work because I need to send the kids and she wouldn't prefer me to send her too. I really have doubts sometimes if it will work well, but TRUE, maybe she will never love me again. I don't know if I should trust her.

Dunt give up hope. If you have doubts in your heart that she MAY not love you anymore, then you lost the battle. There may be someone that is trying to woo her now....

It is a tiring time for both of you, while you tried to patch things up, and she is VERY HURT at the moment. If there is a 3rd party, ultimately, it will be her choice, to choose. Who to follow. If you continue to treat her well, and show repent, there is a chance she will stop the nonsense( if there is) with the other man, for she care for the family.

You mention she still care about the kids and so on.... and with constant effort from your side, you still can win her back. It will be a difficult time for her, as she is trying to put her life into place again.

Ultimately, communication and understanding will win her back. Not SEX between both of you that will save your marriage.

Just something for you to ponder, why you go opt for a extra affair? Is it becos there is something that you dont like about your wife? Or there is something stuck between both of you that both of you dont want to resolve? And now, becos of that matter, she is communicating with someone else too.... Trying to get someone to listen to her side of problem between both of you, we do not know who she is taking to... but I do suggest you start to face the sticking problems you had with her in the past.

Sad to say, even it hurts to bring out the unhappy thigns between yo and her, it is better for both of you to face it now than to drag it and let this reconsoliation stalemate.

[shoei]

Originally Posted by see see only

Mate,

Of cos Trust her, and give her all the space and freedom ...

hahahaha ... unlike men, for women the more space & freedom you gave them the lesser they would want

They will stick to you more ...

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end

[shoei]

Originally Posted by hickeybites

hi TS,
hang in there ok? not easy but must give it time... very trite to say that time is the best healer but it's true...时间会冲淡一切

just wondering.. are u now being completely transparent with her? as in not keeping any secrets or letting her know your whereabouts etc? i'm not saying that u have to report to her & like be a jailbird like that...but it may give her that sense of security.
in my case, my hubby was transparent as much as he could: on his own accord would show me phone records, keep me updated on where he's going, fill me in on things etc. pls don't get me wrong - i'm not saying u should grovel & be chained to ur wife. what matters is the intention behind the transparency: to let her know that u've nothing to hide and that she can slowly trust u again

can understand what u mean by "ur hands are tied". hubby said the same thing - it's like damn if he does & damn if he doesn't... my personal experience was that it took me couple of months to accept that he actually had an affair and nearly a year before I truly started to forgive him & forgive myself. (yah I was angry with myself as well - for not being a good wife/ for having LSD/ for having a kid/ for not seeing the signs.. things like that). and hubby's the type to want to get things done, act & have a solution & just do it.

not sure if ur wife feels this but it could be a possibility...my galfriends (who were also in same situation) & I also felt was immense wariness. reason is cos it felt like our trust was abused & us telling our hubbies our whereabouts/stuff provided them helped them have affairs on the sly... she may be having her defenses up & not really purposely out to take revenge on u. i believe she'll see ur sincerity in time

this is my own opinion only... it's much much better to really love than be "in love". being in love comes with all expectations, ideals, promises of "happily ever after"... if & when u both come out of this intact, you'll know it's love with full acceptance of each others' faults, weaknesses, idiosyncracies and continue to work at the relationship.
Take care

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

[jonrai]

Bro, be patient... she need sometime to heal her wound. It might take months or years.. Take care!

[see see only]

Originally Posted by shoei

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

Originally Posted by shoei

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end

TS, now i can see your problem


Ha .... they more you worry, the more you will lose your ground and when you lose your ground .... you will lose the position in her heart.

[shoei]

Originally Posted by see see only

TS, now i can see your problem


Ha .... they more you worry, the more you will lose your ground and when you lose your ground .... you will lose the position in her heart.

i can't agree more with you. Indeed, my ground and foundation should be strong now. I need to be calm but its difficult. I am trying

[shoei]

Originally Posted by blohsg

yeah ... good luck ... it's a long and winding up slope ... you'll need to breathe and b positive ... whatever she puts out at you for what you've done you've got to accept responsibility / own up / be honest ... if this is what it takes to save your marriage, just do it. You want it to work again, you put yourself in it and take the shit ...

Imagine you have a box ... all the shit you're getting now is being put inside there ... once you think you can't take it anymore you find your own space/time and be alone ... imagine all that HATE/FRUSTRATIONS/ANGER in the box is being tipped over & emptied out ... pour out all the contents ... make sure it's empty and then you can start all over again filling it up again ... repeatedly ... as long as it takes ...

You can only trust now ... whoever she may message or tries to do ... you can only trust ... it may not work out eventually but you only can hang on to hope ... or console yourself at least that you've done all your best ...

DOes the box concept really exist n realistic?

[ktvking]

Originally Posted by shoei

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end

Bro, I think your biggest problem is that you worry too much. You seem to worry about this, worry about that. The more you worry, the more you lose your directions.

Stop worrying and stick to your plan and do what you need to do. Get on with life.

[ktvking]

Originally Posted by shoei

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

Bro, you said "But she doesn't seems to appreciate it". Well, she doesn't "seem" to appreciate it. So, do you know for a fact that she does not appreciate it?

Now, ask yourself, if you were her, would you appreciate it and trust you so fast? May be she appreciates it but she still has doubts so she does not show her appreciation?

[ktvking]

Originally Posted by shoei

i can't agree more with you. Indeed, my ground and foundation should be strong now. I need to be calm but its difficult. I am trying

Bro, ask yourself, what is the worst case scenario?

If you do nothing, she will never forgive you and never love you again.

If you keep on worrying and do the wrong things, she will never forgive you and never love you again.

If you stop worrying and do the right thing, she still does not forgive you and never love you agin.

If you stop worrying and do the right thing, you eventually win her heart and she forgives you and both of you pick up your life again.

In the first two cases, you screwed up again. Think and try again, bro.

In the third case ... well, no one is perfect. You have made a mistake and you learned from it and you do your best to change yourself and if she still does not forgive you, then she does not deserve you. Life goes on. Life is short, move on and find your own happiness.

In the last case, well, congratulations to both of you!

I hope you know what you need to do now. ;-)

[see see only]

Originally Posted by ktvking

I hope you know what you need to do now. ;-)

Very ture man, bro ktvking ....


TS, mark your territory now since you guys are so-called restarting your relationship again ...

It is now or never

[shoei]

Originally Posted by see see only

Very ture man, bro ktvking ....


TS, mark your territory now since you guys are so-called restarting your relationship again ...

It is now or never

Mark territory??

[shoei]

it has been about since 4 weeks since i updated the thread.
My wife is beginning to open up to me although sometimes we feel that our communcation is breaking down. She is going out with friends lesser now partly because of the kids and committment at home. I do enjoy and treasure this recovery period. I dont think wounds heal that fast and although time heals, time is infinite. I wonder how long it really take for her to truely forgive me.

To all bros, love and treasure ur co.

[teebs_darklord]

Originally Posted by shoei

it has been about since 4 weeks since i updated the thread.
My wife is beginning to open up to me although sometimes we feel that our communcation is breaking down. She is going out with friends lesser now partly because of the kids and committment at home. I do enjoy and treasure this recovery period. I dont think wounds heal that fast and although time heals, time is infinite. I wonder how long it really take for her to truely forgive me.

To all bros, love and treasure ur co.

It may take forever or she might not forgive you totally...but if you can salvage the relationship for the sake of your children, that should be sufficient. Good luck...