Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[66cccc66]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[66cccc66]

The Perks of Being Over 40...

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

[66cccc66]

Oh the Internet is slow

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

[66cccc66]

upiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help these two

criminals to rob a bank. Anyway, to make a long story short,

they got caught and the three of them found themselves in court.

The judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter

was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.

"But your honour" said Jupiter, "I didn't even take part in the robbery!"

"Yes" said the judge. "But you helped them ... Planet!"

[marlborotan]

nice jokes bros. tks for sharing

[soundlab]

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,
"I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. " The girl brings
out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough. "
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough. "
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough. "
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder
and go as a gasoline pump? "

[soundlab]

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you
like to tell me your problem? " the pretty blonde receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor. " "It's rather embarrassing
" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant
erection. " "Well, the doctor is very busy today " the receptionist
cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in. "

[soundlab]

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits
down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made
a mistake " says the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level higher. " To that the lady
replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week,
now you'll be the one getting them out. "

[seesaw]

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.

"Hello, Mr. Elephant", he says, "what a fine day it is. Would you like to
see my cock?"

Slightly startled the elephant says, "Good morning Mr Monkey. Why on earth
would I want to see your genitalia?"

"Oh, it's absolutely amazing", came the reply, "you won't regret this" and
with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the
elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey's monkeyhood.

"My word!" said the elephant, "aren't you the lucky one".

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a
giraffe. "Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!"

Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is
equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys' four headed
knob. "Incredible!" he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree.
"Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!"

Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his
eyes, which he promptly bites off.


"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", screams the monkey, "What did you
do that for?"

"Because I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"

[Roman city]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they’re really impressed. After the game they ask her “how is it that you know so much about baseball?”

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.” The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. “What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off your balls?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they… cut my salary in half!”

[justlovesex]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[justlovesex]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[justlovesex]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[justlovesex]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

[CNY_OX09]

good jokes by all of you here.
10Q 10Q,after reading some of them,me really feeling a bit alright now as just being on my luck recently.