Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

[beary]

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.

I thought he was cuming, but I guess he was going..."


*********


Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.

The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.

She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.

"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.

"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.

"Give me a look," said little Johnny.

She lifted her skirt and showed him.

"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

[beary]

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, yougo there to, uh, have a good time."

Little Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there,too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Little Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! --Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have come and gone, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The Madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The Madame is a little puzzled, but being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Little Johnny proudly boasted!

Little Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I was only able to lick the third one!"

[BaliHai]

Bumper Stickers

*Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

*100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

*Jesus is coming! Look busy!

*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

*Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

*Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

*Grow your own dope, plant a man.

*All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

*So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.

*All men are idiots....I married their king.

*The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

*Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

*Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

*Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

*Hang up and drive.

*Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

*Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

*Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

*Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

*Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

[BaliHai]

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"

The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"

The teacher replies..."Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

[BaliHai]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something with which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When s he returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $5,000.00 a month living expenses."

[pop-step]

A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.

He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.

Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"

[pop-step]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

[pop-step]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

[pop-step]

Teacher: How we use the light?
Pupil: To suck it?
Teacher: Why do you say so?
Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"

[pop-step]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[pop-step]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any s*xual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[pop-step]

A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"

[pop-step]

After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

[pop-step]

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!