Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[JorgeM]

Thanks for all the wonderful jokes bro!

[merseyside]

Nice jokes here.

[3Xrated]

Nice jokes TS.

[RogerRomeo]

Thanks for sharing bro

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

[bigbirdbird]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a real business man!

[bigbirdbird]

Marriage Sex Problems?
To my Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often!

1. The sheets are clean ............................ 44 times
2. It's too late ................................... 17 times
3. I'm too tired ................................... 49 times
4. It's too early .................................. 20 times
5. It's too hot .................................... 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep ......................... 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us ...................... 3 times
8. Headache ........................................ 22 times
9. Sunburn ......................................... 7 times
10. Your mother will hear us ........................ 9 times
11. Not in the mood ................................. 37 times
12. You will wake the baby .......................... 17 times
13. Watching the late show .......................... 6 times
14. New hairdo ...................................... 5 times
15. Too sore ........................................ 16 times
16. Wrong time of the month ......................... 12 times
17. Have to get up early ............................ 19 times
18. I promise tomorrow .............................. 16 times
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
16 times you just laid there , 8 times you reminded me that there was a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and
once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


To my Dear Husband,
I think you have gotten things a little confused, here are the real
reasons you did not get more than you did!

1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat ...... 5 times
2. Did not come home at all ....................... 36 times
3. Did not come ................................... 21 times
4. Came too soon .................................. 33 times
5. Went soft before you got in .................... 19 times
6. Toes in a cramp ................................ 10 times
7. Working too late ............................... 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf .............. 29 times
9. In a fight and someone kicked you in the balls . 2 times
10. Caught in your zipper .......................... 4 times
11. Got a cold and your nose is running ............ 3 times
12. Coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue .. 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger .............. 2 times
14. Lost the urge after thinking about it all day .. 20 times
15. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book. 6 times
16. Too busy watching football on TV ............... 98 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.

[autosave]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a real business man!

Hahaha typical Jew!!

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Sibeh funny siah..
Lol

[bigbirdbird]

"It's funny,"says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."

They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."

She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.

"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

[bigbirdbird]

When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam.

"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised. "Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these." And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction.

Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes.

After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."

"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."

[bigbirdbird]

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""

[bigbirdbird]

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

[VanderBear]

Hehe very good jokes .... thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.