Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Musaz]

Originally Posted by lipe

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Being a bachelor is great. You get home-cooked meals, along with a variety of cooks.


“Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?


Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.


Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.



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Hahahaha nice one

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."

The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process.

The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."

The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

[bigbirdbird]

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

[bigbirdbird]

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[lipe]

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Deciding it was time for a history review, the teacher asked the class, “Who can tell me what historical figure said, ‘I have not yet begun to fight’?”


The little Japanese girl in the front row raised her hand and answered, “John Paul Jones.”


“Very good, Miako. Now, who can tell me who said, ‘I regret that I have but one life to give for my country’?”


Again the little Japanese girl was the only one to raise her hand, and piped up, “That was Nathan Hale.”


The teacher said to the class, “What’s going on? So far, Miako is the only one to answer any of my questions.”


Suddenly a voice was heard from the back of the room. “Aw, fuck the Japanese!”


“Who said that?” asked the teacher sharply.


Miako’s hand shot up. “Lee Iacocca!” she said brightly.


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[lipe]

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For those in sales. This is no joke.


Two shoe salespeople were dispatched to a remote African country. In just a few days, their employer received emails from each.



One read: “Get me out of here—no one wears shoes.”


The other read: “Send more inventory — no one here owns shoes.”




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[lipe]

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Ah Beng: I’ve got nothing against kids.


I just follow the advice on every bottle in my medicine cabinet:


“Keep away from children.”



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[lipe]

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This should appear in CHIO SCH TEACHER thread.



The pretty teacher was concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Ah Beng, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?”


“I’m in love,” the boy replied.


Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”


“With you,” he said.


“But, Ah Beng,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own some day. But I don’t want a child.”


“Oh, don’t worry,” Ah Beng said reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom.”



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[Sleat]

Great jokes!! Thanks guys

[lipe]

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Muthu and Ah Beng have been friends for more than sixty years.


One day Muthu says, “Ah Beng, let’s make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven’s like.”


They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day Ah Beng is done in by a sudden heart attack.


Six months later, just when Muthu is giving up any hope of hearing from Ah Beng, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.


“Ah Beng, is that you?” Muthu asks in amazement.


“You’re right, you’re not wrong,” Ah Beng answers.


“Well, tell me. What’s it like?”


“You wouldn’t believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and fuck. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and fuck, then we eat lunch and fuck until dinner. After dinner we fuck some more. We fuck until we pass out, then we wake up and fuck some more,” Ah Beng explains.


“Holy shit!” exclaims Muthu. “If that’s heaven, I can’t wait to die!”


“Who said anything about heaven?” Ah Beng replies. “I’m in Lim Chu Kang farm and I’m a rabbit.”



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[OrangeLantern]

Originally Posted by lipe

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Muthu and Ah Beng have been friends for more than sixty years.


One day Muthu says, “Ah Beng, let’s make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven’s like.”


They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day Ah Beng is done in by a sudden heart attack.


Six months later, just when Muthu is giving up any hope of hearing from Ah Beng, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.


“Ah Beng, is that you?” Muthu asks in amazement.


“You’re right, you’re not wrong,” Ah Beng answers.


“Well, tell me. What’s it like?”


“You wouldn’t believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and fuck. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and fuck, then we eat lunch and fuck until dinner. After dinner we fuck some more. We fuck until we pass out, then we wake up and fuck some more,” Ah Beng explains.


“Holy shit!” exclaims Muthu. “If that’s heaven, I can’t wait to die!”


“Who said anything about heaven?” Ah Beng replies. “I’m in Lim Chu Kang farm and I’m a rabbit.”



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Hahahaa nice one!!

[etsys]

Originally Posted by lipe

..


Miako’s hand shot up. “Lee Iacocca!” she said brightly.
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for the lost souls, Lee Iacocca was head of Ford and later Chrysler.. who was fighting the Japanese in the U.S. Automobile market...

[Wangba]

Originally Posted by etsys

for the lost souls, Lee Iacocca was head of Ford and later Chrysler.. who was fighting the Japanese in the U.S. Automobile market...

Thanks for the info

[NastyThaiboy]

Keep the jokes coming!