Happily Married with an ex WL(VN)

[casannova03]

yes...that's her..normal la...she very shy one....i think now she not as fair as in photo liao and maybe she din make-up so look a bit different..hahaha..

[casannova03]

Hi guys,

sorry for the lack of updates these few days. Gotta go reservist in the day and work at night...so dun have much time!

Anyway, my purpose is actually to address an issue that i felt i need to to readers of my thread and for VN gals lovers.

Over the past week, i have received a few pm from quite a bit of bros telling me that they have met a vn gal at pub and that they like the gal etc.

My Advice

Well, you may have read my thread and my account on my relationship with my wife. I would like to re-iteriate that the relationship with my wife till today is roughly 5 years. We got married after a bit more than a year together. So i hope you guys do take note that i did not get married to my wife after knowing her for 1-3 mths after knowing her at the pub.

The point is, you are in the honeymoon period (1-3 mths) after you first know her. So do exercise caution in giving any requests from her. By always thredaing with caution, you will not fall prey to scheming gals.

If you are really keen on taking the relationship to the next level, then find out more first. there are so many things and so many issue with her and her character that you dun know and vice-versa. So do note that a relationship is based on infatuation is almost always gonna mean trouble when your honeymoon period runs out.

I am not against bros having a relationship with vn gals like me. But i am concerned because a few of you guys have asked about marriage and the procedures when you've really, barely know her. I am all for developing the relationship but i also hope you guys do not get hurt or cheated for there ARE scheming gals out there.

So guys, exercise caution and do drop me a pm when you need help. I will try my best with my limited experience and see if i can offer help,if any.

Take care!

[naemlo]

So fast talk abt marriage??? 八字还没一瞥。

[naemlo]

Originally Posted by casannova03

.i think now she not as fair as in photo liao and maybe she din make-up so look a bit different..hahaha..

Hmmmm scary....

So she coming to SG soon??

[etct88]

Originally Posted by casannova03

Hi guys,

sorry for the lack of updates these few days. Gotta go reservist in the day and work at night...so dun have much time!.....................

.................So guys, exercise caution and do drop me a pm when you need help. I will try my best with my limited experience and see if i can offer help,if any.

Take care!

Great posts.... glad you have a life, unlike some losers....... you know what I mean. choke mai mun.......

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by naemlo

Hmmmm scary....

So she coming to SG soon??

Not scary la...veri innocent and shy little gal ok

Eh married man!! why u kaypoh asking when ppl come singapore???

[naemlo]

Originally Posted by casannova03

Not scary la...veri innocent and shy little gal ok

Eh married man!! why u kaypoh asking when ppl come singapore???

Wah lau... cannot ask meh??? Or is she in HCMC now?

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by naemlo

Wah lau... cannot ask meh??? Or is she in HCMC now?

Can why cannot..hahhaa..

Dun be lazy...want to know more read the blog!!!

hahahaha!!!

[besafe]

Dear Brother,

Curious to know how you will feel if you found out that she is meeting someone behind your back. Dun need to reply if you feel that this is getting too personal.

The reason I asked is that I am still seeing a PRC lady, who is married to a SG man, on a monthly basis. I wanted to stop, but many times she is the one who calls me. If I am the husband, definitely I will be mad. But I suspect he knows that she is seeing someone behind her back but not doing anything about it.

Sigh ! I am resolved not to see her again and may plan to change my HP no.

[casannova03]

Wow, its been quite some time since i continue from my sharing....so ok now back to the main dish!

...Continued

Challenges 2 - Coping with YOUR family

In the first part, i was talking mainly about understanding HER mentality and your position in her hierarchy of status. I hope you see where you stand and thus understand how much your words mean vis-a-vis her family and friends....and how you can slowly but surely gain a rung or two up the ladder...

Now I am gonna talk about objections from the family - our family.

Let's face it! You know this is gonna be a huge obstacle as well. Marrying someone from a foreign country is gonna be a big talking point in the family - thanks but no thanks to the incessant negative publicity portrayed by our two daily chinese gossip newspaper!!

If you're marrying a foreigner, there's only two possibility:

1.) "eh you go buy your wife ah? how much is it?"

2.) "ermm, where she work...as what??"

Yes! sad but thru, that's about as big the mindset we have over here in Singapore with regards to Foreign wives. It doesn't matter that your wife might be a decent lady working as a professional, what's more as a WL.

Well, I dun really have any advice for this.... and i dun want to be seen assomeone trying to teach you how to lie to your family...so i'll just share what i did..i think if the conviction in you is strong enough, you'll find your own ways to get around it...

My Experience....
If you have been actively following my thread, you would have known that i was not on good terms with my mother even before i know my wife. So when one day i decided to bring home my wife for a family dinner and a 'soft' meet the parents sesson, things got unpleasant..

At first everything was ok as I(under my dad's instruction) refrained from going head-to-head with my mom. After the dinner, my mom pulled me aside and started to field me with her questions:

"where you know her? She in Singapore for what?"

I replied:" I knew her in Vietnam when i went with school trip during JC days (The part about the trip is true but not the part on knowing her there)."

"So when she came to Singapore to study (true), she called me up and we met up and got together(false)"

My mom gave the unconvinced look :" really so simple?"

"you sure she not those girls working?" What's she studying here? at where?"

I replied:" you want to believe you believe, dun want to believe then next time dun ask me again."

"Anyway she's studying English language at a private school in Orchard and is here on student's pass(true) and she's staying with her cousin who is married to a Singaporean. (False)"

After some thoughts, she started telling me :" you dun try and lie to me ok you think i dun know what's she's here for right....blar blar blar!!!"" everyday read newspapr can see them reporting on these gals...blar blar blar!"

Then i started getting angry:" ok fine! If you want to believe those stupid newspaper report then go ahead ok i am not going to bother explaining to ignorant ppl like you."

hot+hot = boiling point!!

Mom:

"You dun try to talk to me like that, i tell you! I raised you from young so i know what you are thinking and when you are lying!"

"you dunno these gals, they are here to cheat you of your money and then get PR and divorce you, you still young so what do you know?"

Me:

"Ya right, since when you bothered about me! everyday all you care is about your work. Even domestic stuffs are handled by dad you call yourself caring? I dun think so...."

"Anyway, if she want to then let her cheat lor, i dun have any money anyway."

With that i left after my wife have said her thanks and goodbye....

After i ORD-ed, i went home to put my duffer bag and to pack some clothes cos i was going to stay outside. So when i got home, my mom was waiting for me in my room. I was shocked when i opened my door...when you expected your room to be empty suddenly you see someone you will be shocked!!

Then she carried on talking about my wife la balr blar blar...but i said that i was not going to stay at home and see her angry face everyday....So she say no matter what she's not allowing me to move out to stay...I simply bo-chap and carry on packing...she then left the room....

I heard my dad shouting:

" you siao ah? why have to do it like that? you got nothing better to do is it?

Then i heard my elder bro's room door opened and he too joined in:

"Aiya! dun like that la mom! he want to do what let him be la, he is old enough to know wht's good for him. Anyway when he realised his mistakes he will come back and apologise one...dun need like that!"

Because i was in my room packing, i dunno what my mom did but when i came out, i got the second shock of my life.....

The Scene
My mom was holding a CHOPPER! and my dad and my elder were trying to grab it from her...when dad saw me, he asked to to go first ....needless to say, i was out of my house in double quick time!!!

.....to be continued

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by besafe

Dear Brother,

Curious to know how you will feel if you found out that she is meeting someone behind your back. Dun need to reply if you feel that this is getting too personal.

The reason I asked is that I am still seeing a PRC lady, who is married to a SG man, on a monthly basis. I wanted to stop, but many times she is the one who calls me. If I am the husband, definitely I will be mad. But I suspect he knows that she is seeing someone behind her back but not doing anything about it.

Sigh ! I am resolved not to see her again and may plan to change my HP no.

No...no problem....i think this is a good question and is relevant in my thread. So its not personal or anything. I will answer that..

Many bros will be insecure knowing what their wife worked as before they marry...so this is something that will be on their mind.

My Views
I think the whole issue here is trust!

You dun go getting yourself into a marriage with someone whom you dun trust! It doesn't matter what she worked as previously! No doubt as an ex WL, you will be more worried but let me put it this way. Even if your wife is not an ex-Wl, she too, can be cheating behind your back. So the main thing is before you marry someone, how much do you trust her or vice-versa. You need to get this sorted out befre your marriage...not during your married life...there are many other things to enjoy and learn during your married life.

Trust is the key in any successful marriage. Unless of course the both of you stick to each other 24hrs of the day, which is not practical and logical. SO...if you think that you will spend your whole day worrying if your wife is cheating behind you, why marry her? why get yourself into such a marriage? I dun see any advantages in doing so...

I am not in the position to comment about local gals cos i'm not married to one. But i do know that Vietnamese gals are firecely loyal once they have decided to be with you....and of course they expect the same from you.

I speak from my own experience and from my wife's friends' experience. My wife's friend was the ultimate nightmare anyone man can meet, she can have up to 5 man at any one time and was living like a queen with income from each of these guys. But recently, she's settled down and i know from my wife, she's quit her playing ways and is gonna be a mother soon. So the point is most vietnamese gals are loyal once they have set their mind on it. I would like to believe so. Maybe other bros can verify their experiences

However, in addressing your question, what i would do if i found out about an affair...

For me, I'm quite fair by my own standards.. i will ask myself what i have done wrong. Because for me, vietnamese will not go doing something behind my back without a reason so the reason must have been she has given up on me...Totally!! So i will need to be asking myself questions. Have i done her wrong? Have i neglected her? etc...

Also, who's to say only men are allowed to look for gals when they are married? only man have the license to do so? That's so MCP!
I am of the opinion that if i myself played outside, then i must be prepared that one day i will get my retribution. You've watched "wu jian dao"?

"Chu lai zou, chi zao dou yao huan"
"come out and play, you'll need to pay back sooner and later"

So bro besafe, I think its only fair that if now, you are meeting someone's wife, and have scored an "offside" goal...You should be prepared to faced the same thing when it happens to you...how you handle it is up to you...
Just remember not to run up to the referee and cry "offiside" when its happens to you next time. I think it works both ways....
...Dun take it personally ok...just my views.


So as long as she dun let me find out about it, i will not bother to make a consistent and consiencious effort to check on her and i expect the same from her. i mean lets be frank, there will be a time or two that i'll do a check on her handphone and msgs but its just innocent impulsive kind of check...not a check that i've planned for everyday in my timetable....i think you know what i mean... There must be a mutual understanding from both parties to have some personal space. At the end of the day, we know we must take care and contribute to family building.

But, if i do find out that she is having an affair, i will ask her about it. We wil have a nice problem solving session which i have always with my wife. To find out what and where have gone wrong....see if there's any chance of working out each other's expectations, if yes then good...work together...if no, i dun see any point in forcing the relationship...even if she's with you her heart is not...so what's the point in keeping this trustless and loveless relationship?

I may sound like talking big but i must admit i haven't faced such a situation before so i am only telling you how i will face it and handle should it happened one day. So far, the only major problem was she suspect i have a second wife outside, which i dun have...playing outside yes! 2nd wife? no! cos i know at the end of the day, i married my wife for a reason - love - and this reason is what keeps me from straying too far "offside".

In conclusion, i will say its trust and all about building a family together (this is another big topic by itself )Without it, dun marry anyone. I dun want to spend the rest of my married life worrying about and putting in overtime everyday to check on my spouse, do you?

[besafe]

Dear Brother,

Very well said. I appreciate your response.
Really something for me o ponder over.
Really wish you both all the best in life !

Take care !

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by besafe

Dear Brother,

Very well said. I appreciate your response.
Really something for me o ponder over.
Really wish you both all the best in life !

Take care !

Thanks for your well wishings! I too wish you all the best!

[Hurricane88]

Wow, I read all the posts....congratulations to TS on a blissful marriage....

[camelot]

Originally Posted by casannova03

You need to get this sorted out befre your marriage...not during your married life...there are many other things to enjoy and learn during your married life.

Trust is the key in any successful marriage. Unless of course the both of you stick to each other 24hrs of the day, which is not practical and logical. SO...if you think that you will spend your whole day worrying if your wife is cheating behind you, why marry her? why get yourself into such a marriage? I dun see any advantages in doing so...



However, in addressing your question, what i would do if i found out about an affair...

For me, I'm quite fair by my own standards.. i will ask myself what i have done wrong. ... doing something behind my back without a reason so the reason must have been she has given up on me...Totally!! So i will need to be asking myself questions. Have i done her wrong? Have i neglected her? etc...



In conclusion, i will say its trust and all about building a family together (this is another big topic by itself )Without it, dun marry anyone. I dun want to spend the rest of my married life worrying about and putting in overtime everyday to check on my spouse, do you?

very true and very wise words.
must say that you are very matured in your thinking despite your relatively young age...guess you are probably 29 or thereabouts ( hope i do not sound patronising )