Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

[Cum_Luver]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"

[Cum_Luver]

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.

Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

[BaliHai]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.

Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.

Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

[BaliHai]

Our housekeeper asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her About the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[BaliHai]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[BaliHai]

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."

[bakylotus]

A young man excitingly tells his mother he's fallen
in love and wants to get married. He says, 'Mum,
just for fun, I'm going to bring home three women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sat them on the couch.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to
marry'.

She immediately replies, 'The redhead in the middle'.

Stunned, the young man said, 'That's amazing Ma, you're
right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her', she replied.

[Ehiku]

The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide to have a day off and play golf. Holy Ghost steps on the tee with his silver driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his worn and battered old wooden driver from his bag, steps on the tee and puts a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave at the ball and slices it. Just then, an Eagle was flying by and caught the ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!

[Ehiku]

Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Romanby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.
Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t know you were that religious Paddy??
I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you have to show a little respect, dont you.

[Ehiku]

Newly married couple playing golf, teeing off on the 5th hole the man hooks his ball severely and lands behind the greenkeepers shed, after thinking for minutes he says to his new wife i will have to play out sideways. she says to him if you open both sets of doors im sure you can chase a 5 wood through the shed and onto the green, he does this but the ball rebounds off the shed hits his wife on the temple and kills her stone dead. several years later he marries again and takes his new wife to play golf on the same course, again on the 5th hole he hooks his tee shot severely and lands behind the greenkeepers shed after several minutes he says to his wife i will have to play out sideways, she says if you open both sets of sheds doors im sure you can chase a 5 wood through the shed and onto the green, he says leave off last i did that it cost me an 8

[Ehiku]

The good Lord and Saint Peter were standing on the edge of a cloud one fine sabbath morning at seven o' clock, looking down on the world in general. Saint Peter suddenly grabs the good Lord's arm and says 'Would you look down there on the golf course Lord. There is the Presbyterian Minister playing golf on the sabbath, all by himself. Punish him, punish him!
The Minister lines himself up for a short par 3 over the water and scores his first lifetime hole in one.
I told you to punish him Lord and look what he has done cried Saint Peter. The good Lord turns to Saint Peter and says 'Peter he has been punished, who can he tell?.

[Ehiku]

A man and his pet gorilla was waiting at the first tee, the club secretary approached the man and said! Sir i am the club secretary and i am afraid you cannot bring any animals on this course, the man quickly replied this is my pet gorilla and we are about to have a round of golf, where in the rule book does it say gorilla’s cant play. The secretary thinks for a bit then replies! Ok sir my handicap is scratch and if he can beat me on this hole i will let you play. The man agrees and the secretary then lets the gorilla tee off as a club visitor, the hole was a par 4 and the gorilla hits the ball 400 yards and lands 2 feet from the green, the secretary was taken back and instantly gave the gorilla the hole but insisted he played the whole round thinking he will beat the gorilla overall, but each time the gorilla hit the ball 2 feet from the green and each time the whole was given to the gorilla. When walking back to the club house the secretary said to the man i have to hand it to your gorilla he is one hell of a player, just out of interest what is his putting like just as good? No the man replies he hits the ball another 400 yards!!!

[Ehiku]

A man meets a woman on the golf course, and they get along pretty well during the game. After the 18th, they head off to a hotel and soon after, they are right into it.

When they finished, he rolled over and reached for the phone. "who are you calling?" she asked. "Room service - I wouldn`t mind a drink."he said. "Greg Norman only asks for a drink after he has done it twice." she replied.

So, he drops the phone, hops on again and they are once more involved. He rolls off, and reaches for the phone again. "Who are you calling now?" "Room service - I`m a bit hungry." "Greg Norman only asks for food after he has done it THREE times" she said.

He looks a bit worried, but puts the phone down and manages to entertain her one more time. He rolls off and reaches once more for the phone. "Who are you calling NOW??!!" she asked. "Greg Norman - I want to find out what is par for this f***ing hole!!"

[~oyster~]

Daughters Write About Married Life

A widow had three daughters, whom she got married together. When the daughters were being sent with their husband, Mother told each of her three daughters to write to her about their married life.
On the third day, the mother received a one sentence letter from her elder daughter, which read "Maxwell Coffee". Mother could not understand. When she scanned a magazine, she found the Ad for Maxwell Coffee which said "Satisfaction to the last drop". Mother was happy.

On the Sixth day, the mother received another one sentence letter from her second daughter which read "Rothmans". Having experienced with such messages, the mother found the Ad which read "Life Size, King Size. The mother was happy too.

The mother did not get any letters from her third and pet daughter for almost six weeks. After six tense weeks, she receives an identical one sentence letter which read "British Airways". The mother saw the Ad in a magazine and fainted as it read "Four times a day, seven times a week and both ways".