Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cornish]

Virginity


Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that?

The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

[Cornish]

The Facelift


A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

[Cornish]

50 things to do at Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,"Who BUYS this crap anyway?"
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, "Wow,Magic!"20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet FLoor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphebetize" the CD's in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,"No,no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Cornish]

Parrot with no legs


This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything that you can give me?" The bartender says, "I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!"

The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man."

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: "Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!"

Man: "Then what happened after that?"

Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off."

Man: "And then what?"-getting more angry

Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"

Man: "What next?"-really steamed by this time

Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"

Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"

Parrot: "I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES - FINALE


Ah Beng said, 'Bor si kanna TV, girl flen si kanna handphone.
At home watch TV, go out bling handphone. No money sell
TV, got money change handphone. Sometime enjoy TV tapi
mostly play with handphone. TV free for life but handphone
if don't pay, service kanna potong!


For non hokkien speakers, translation as follows:

Bor - wife
si kanna - is
tapi - but
potong - cut

[Cheonging101]

Originally Posted by Cornish

The Old Days

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.

They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more".

They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.

The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Sorry, I'm too stupid to understand this joke.

[beary]

She was only the ........

Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!
Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!
Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
Draught man's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.
Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise.
Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.
Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
Ganges's daughter, But she knew the fettles length.
Garage mans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!
Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)
Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!
Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.
Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
Moon shiner's daughter, but I love her still.
Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.
Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.
Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her.
Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.
Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!
Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.
Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

[beary]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!

[seesaw]

The teacher says, 'Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it.'

Claude says, 'Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework.'

The teacher says, 'Very good, Claude.'

Mary says, 'The sky is very dark... Perhaps it's going to rain.' The teacher says, 'Very good, Mary.'

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, 'Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano.'

[seesaw]

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army: "Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.

There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy.

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all, there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple –

What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET."

[seesaw]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who didn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[seesaw]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[seesaw]

Lame Pick-Up Lines


1) You look pretty cute. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

2) I wish you were a bag of skittles because Id love to taste your rainbow.

3) Go up to a good-looking girl and say: "I'm in the process of creating a singles ad and I would like to take your measurements to put down as my dream girl's figure requirements."

4) "When I was little, my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a big Johnson, or a good memory. I forgot what I answered."

5) Have you gained weight?

6) What I lack in appearance, I make up for with enthusiasm/talent...

7) If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

8) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

9) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much did you drink?

10) You must be the reason for global warming because your hot.

[seesaw]

Advice to Men About What Women Want

1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at ... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...

5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should *know* if she came.

9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

[seesaw]

How to Piss Off A Woman


Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.