Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"


-------------

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

[seesaw]

LOVEMAKING FOR SENIORS


Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

[birdie8819]

Blow Jobs - A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

[birdie8819]

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too." It was freaking' freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay, two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

[birdie8819]

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them as far as they can and mark a line." Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side!"

[birdie8819]

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

SUBJECT: Foul Language

DATE: February 28, 2000


It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however; realize the critical importance of being able

to accurately express your feelings when communicating with

co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can

continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fucks do you expect me to do this?


TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way


TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!


TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.


TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.


TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.


TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?


TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.


TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?


TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?


TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.


TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.


TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.


TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.


TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.


TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.


TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.


TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!


TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.


TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.


TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.



Thank You,
Human Resources

[birdie8819]

Walt lived in a block of flats which had a large, dark cellar. His four-year-old daughter Samantha and other kids who lived in the block liked playing down there, much to the worry of their parents.

Finally the parents had a meeting and decided that they would all speak to their children, warning them of the dangers of playing down in the cellar.

A few weeks later, Walt was chatting with a neighbor and they proudly told each other that their respective offspring had stopped playing down in the cellar.

"How did you stop your kid?" the neighbor asked.

"Well," said Walt, "I told Samantha that her mummy and I were very worried about her playing down the cellar. It's very dark and dangerous. The stairs are old and steep and slippery and she could lose her step, fall and badly hurt herself. There's broken glass all over the floor, and old crates that she could bump into and bruise herself. I said she's a grown-up little girl now and it would be irresponsible to go playing down there. And what did you tell your Jim?"

The neighbor replied, "I said, Jim, if you go down that cellar one more time, the little green goblin is going to come and cut your pecker off!"

[pop-step]

A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in.
She asks him how much for the black d*ldo? he replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? he replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? he says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.

[pop-step]

There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms.
The mom walked by all the rooms.
The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet.
The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."

[pop-step]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

[pop-step]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."

[pop-step]

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'

'Oh no' Edna replies, 'that's where I put him to dry !'

[Toastmaster]

The 12 bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

[Toastmaster]

Tolkein
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

1213AEBED4FA56F7D7E8ED
E09402F9240EE0E50CC9D44AA08324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[Toastmaster]

Tech Support for Husband 1.0
To: Tech Support

To whom it may concern,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,
Tech Support