Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ossy77]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

[ossy77]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[ossy77]

A fire alarm rang at 4 PM at our office when almost all the employees are in office (approx 2,000).
As usual, the entire office was evacuated within 5 minutes and every employee gathered outside at the designated location(s).

10 minutes passed... then 5 more minutes passed, but no information or update. After more than 15 minutes of standing outside the office, the following announcement was heard over the PA system:

Dear Employees, with a heavy heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill.
Due to recessionary pressures, the company is laying off almost 50% of the employees. While moving back into the office, if your Access Card does not work, you are amongst those laid off. All your belongings will be couriered to your residential addresses tomorrow.

We have followed this approach as we did not want to fill email boxes with layoff instructions and consequent good-bye emails in thousands.
We also wanted to avoid any fist-fights inside the office premises.

Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in NOW and try your luck.

[ossy77]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

[seesaw]

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says. "Yeah, you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me over a salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!"

[seesaw]

Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

"You need to start off slowly" explained Joe, "build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little - fast then slow."

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused. "When you're having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar. Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You'll drive any woman wild with desire."

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

He starts out real slow and in his mind he's thinking, "nickel.... nickel.... nickel.... nickel... dime... dime...dime.. quarter.. quarter..dollar-dollar-dollar BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!!!

[seesaw]

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

[beary]

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!




WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.



CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean Ok? I thought it was a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.



Spelling lesson
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[beary]

BROTHEL FIRE

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.

She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.

He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman urgently screams out, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well, if you see her, screw her. It's paid for!"

[ossy77]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.


They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.


The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".


The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.


The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.


The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999



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[ossy77]

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: 'Lew lian wu kalau boh?(durians got dropped or not?).'
Ah Lian shouted: 'boh kalau lah!'

So Ah Beng continued with the journey.. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.
He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet?'
Ah Lian was very angry and replied: 'Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!'


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Hypnotism

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache.


It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,


She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"


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[ossy77]

Got Two Cows

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.




AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times
the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market
them World-Wide.




A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.




A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them..

You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.

You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.




AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them..



A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.

Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0..60 or you cut the
supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now
want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that
comes from recycled
cows or the cow urine instead.

Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.



And last but not least,



A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

One cow-peh and one cow-bu.


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[ossy77]

Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first Mr. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge.

"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to London", he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen?

"I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir".

"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?"

"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."

"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your trip."

Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and described his experience. "It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice officer Sahib ask you two questions, and you are answering only "I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you are getting the visa straight away."

So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Mr. Singh, went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach: "What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?"

"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".

"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"

"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."

The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr. Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that cutting off your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself. If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"

Mr. Singh got his visa

Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we
have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I
have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell
and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend
an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay
in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St.
Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had
worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied,"Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
she went down-down-down back to Hell.When the doors of the elevator opened
she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee...


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