Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[nightsmith]

DEAR DAIRY

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY! I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY! The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and gentleman.

THUESDAY! Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice!!!

[nightsmith]

Love Juice ???

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.
After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.
She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

[sky_liner2]

Various Jokes......

Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer:Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.


Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!


An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.


Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear.......
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".

Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!


2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!






Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".


Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"

What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.


What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.


Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.


Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as awhite angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

[BaliHai]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in London. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[antartica]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


******

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

******

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

******

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

[antartica]

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

******

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

******

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

******

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

******

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

[antartica]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

******

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

******

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

******

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

******

Your girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.


******

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

******

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

******

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

******

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

******

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

[antartica]

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

******

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

******

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

******

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

******

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

******

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

******

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

******

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."

[beary]

Willy and his friend Harry stopped at a bar and decided to, have a couple of beers .

As they were drinking their beers, they noticed an attractive young woman came in and sit at the bar across the room from their table.

The way she was sitting, they could see up her skirt, though in the dim light, they could not see much.

"Check it out," said Harry, "She's wearing black lace panties!"

Willy looked over, and countered, "That's not black lace, that's hair, see how it shines!"

Looking harder, Harry said "No it's not, you can tell from the way she carries herself, she's a real class act. She's got on black lace panties."

"You're nuts! You can tell from her eyes that she is really wild. She's not wearing anything under that skirt!"

This went on back and forth for several minutes before Willy challenged Harry. "I've got $20 that says she is not wearing panties."

"You're on. How do we find out for sure?"

Willy said "I'll go up to the bar and get a couple more beers. I can get a better look as I go past her."

When he came back a minute later, Willy had a strange look on his face.

"Well, what is it, lace or hair?" asked Harry.

"Flies!"

[beary]

G.W. Meets Moses

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses.

"Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him.

After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop
and talk to me?" asked Bush.

"Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered
the desert for 40 years."

[beary]

New Square Dance

Up With The Petticoat
Down With The Pants
In With The Pecker
Everybody Dance.

Girls With Rags On
Up Against The Walls
Guys With A Hard On
Promenade The Halls.

Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.

Make Him Holler
Make Him Shout
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout.

First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass.

Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls.

Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End of
The New Square Dance!

[beary]

Penis Ads

The Millikin Penis: Big blue.

The Neon Penis: Hi.

The little Caesar's Penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!

The generic Penis: One size fits all.

The Rave music Penis: Ya'll ready for this?

The Mortal Kombat Penis: Nothing can prepare you.

The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.

The Pizza Hut Penis: Makin' it great.

The Street Fighter II Penis: Matt, stop, you're getting too good at
this.

The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!

The Domino's Pizza Penis: Delivers in 30 min or less.

The Monty Python Penis: "Isn't awfully nice to have a penis?"

The Monty Python Penis II: "Every sperm is sacred...."

The Budweiser Penis: This bud's for you.

The Siskel & Ebert Penis: 2 thumbs up...

The Lava Lamp Penis: Hee, hee, hee!!!!!

The George of the Jungle Penis: Watch out for that.......tree?

The Nyquil Penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose,
itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.

The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?

The Extra Penis: It lasts an extra, extra, extra, long time.

The Wonder Bubbles Penis: Magic wand inside!

The Wonder Bubbles Penis II: For ages 3 and up.

The Phantom of the Opera Penis: Music of the night.

The Webster's Thesaurus Penis: How many words are there for penis?

The Charmin Penis: Don't squeeze the penis!

The Sears Penis: Come see the brighter side.

The Jewel Penis: Take a new look at an old friend.

The C+C Music Factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...

The Rick James Penis: It's SUPERFREAKY.

The Gilette Penis: The best a man can get.

The Charmin Double Roll Penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.

The Bacardi Penis: Taste the feeling.

The Macintosh Penis: Power is everything.

The Borg Penis: Resistance is futile.

The Edge Shaving Cream Penis: Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.

The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.

The oasis Penis: Thinks it's the beatles penis.

The Jell-O Penis: Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.

The Virginia Slims Penis: You've come a long way, baby.

The AT&T Penis: Reach out and touch someone.

The Highlander Penis: In the end, there can be only one.

The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.

The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand.

The Ertl Penis: Just like the real thing, only smaller.

The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.

The L'Eggo Penis: Leggo my penis!

The Skittles Penis: Taste the penis.

[beary]

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."


__________


As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the rest of the seasonal
staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be
desired. When we were finished with our meals, we scraped the remains
into a garbage pail and stacked our plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job,
was ahead of me in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the
garbage, I heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."


__________


Two friends from upper Michigan were talking about how cold it got last
winter where each of them lives. "It was so cold, even conversation
froze in the air," says the first guy. "There was a terrible babble in
the spring when all those words finally thawed out."
"Humph," grumped the other man. "It was so cold, it even froze the flame
on my candle. In exasperation, I plucked it off and threw it out my
cabin door. Yessiree, it was a bad last winter! But, not as bad as
spring, of course."
"Why, what happened then?" asks the first guy.
"Well," replies his friend, "come spring the candle flame thawed out and
burned down my cabin."

[beary]

Adult Riddles ~

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q.. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

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Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

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Image removed by sender.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

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Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A They don't have balls to scratch!
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http://www.smileycentral.com/?partne...1_ZNxmk572YYUS
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

Live well, laugh hard, & love dearly

[Sudden Death]

Will You Watch


An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What
can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse." And he charged them $20.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the
doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to
my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it
here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the
doctor's office."