Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[splicer]

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married!"
The man says happily, "Sure. That sounds great!" The woman says, "Good+ get your own fucking blanket!"

[splicer]

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

[skinskin]

Mattheo, Tommy Page and Adriano were discussing love-making...

"Last night I make love to my wife 3 times." boasted Mattheo.
"She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I make love to my wife 6 times", Tommy Page responded,
"And this morning she make me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another mam."

When Adriano remained silent, Mattheo smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" Tommy Page arrogantly snorted.

"And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[uppussy]

This one excellent tnread.

[skinskin]

it's not easy being a Dick...

i've got a head i can't think with...
an eye i can't see out of...
i have to hang around with 2 nuts all the time...
my closest neighbor is an asshole...
worst of all, my owner beats me all the time...
and my best friend is a Pussy!
and now because of Aids,
i have to wear this rubber suit and
throw up all over myself!!!

it's not easy being a Dick!!!

[killerjacky]

thank for sharing ur joke , they make laugh so loud

[magixskin]

This really happened on radio sometimes ago ???

Presenter: Good morning. This is XYZ-FM & do you want to play a game.
Contestant: Yes, why not.
Presenter: Good. It is a simple game. When i say something you have to
give an answer that is opposite to what i have said. For eg. when i say
Sharp, you you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant: OK.

Presenter: Sun
Contestant: Moon.
Presenter: Black
Contestant: White.
Presenter: Tall
Contestant: Short.
Presenter: Dog
Contestant: Cat.
Presenter: Monkey
Contestant: Donkey.
Presenter: errr.....
Presenter: Man
Contestant: Woman.
Presenter: Cock
Contestant: CHIBAI !!!

RADIO SILENCE !!!!!

Presenter: This things sometimes happen and
we are on live. Let's take a commercial break here.

[ah rat]

WHY AMERICANS ARE JOBLESS!!!!!!
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES) ..
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA),
then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA),
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a
good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day
checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA) !!!!!!

[magixskin]

A Japanese tourist hail a taxi at Orchard Road and
asked the taxi-driver to send him to Changi Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by, the Japanese tourist responded,
" Ohhhhh !!!!! Toyota !!! Make in Japan !!! Very fast !!! "

Then another car zipped by, he said,
" Ohhhhh !!!!! Nissan !!! Made in Japan !!! Very fast !!! "

And another speed by, he said,
" Ohhhhh !!!!! Honda !!! Made in Japan !!! Very fast !!! "

At the meantime, the taxi-driver is getting very
frustrated and sick of the Japanese tourist.

Upon reaching Changi Airport, he said "$50 please!"
The Japanese tourist was shocked and argued,
"Why so expensive ? it's only a short distance"
in which the Taxi-driver replied,
"Ohhhhh!!!!!Taxi-meter!!!!!Made in Japan!!!!!Very fast!!!!!

[beary]

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend...


It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street and he was a Fishermans Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm
the one with the Nuts he thought.


Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
the contrast of her Double Deckers.


Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So
she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic Moment as
she let out of scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun
Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.


She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.


Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts.

[beary]

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

[beary]

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!

[beary]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING


Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"


Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"


Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."


Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"


Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"


Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

[beary]

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly tits."

[beary]

MEN.....

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.