Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[jasonsiol]

what's the difference between men and women?

women has = w => boobs
= o => pussy

other than that its the same as men

[tim1]

Originally Posted by Pankunchi

One night my friends asked me to out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.(a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I walked in the door the cookoo clock chimmed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cucooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick witted solution.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, Like I Said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it. Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock, I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

LOL.. Thanks for sharing

[ah rat]

Lim Peh ka lu kong

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of
his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing.
Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law.

It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...."
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Aiyoh, Ah Seng!

Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"
____________ _________ _________

QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah, kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hae hae hae.

QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER: Hoo hoo hoo.

And here is a classic ......

QUESTION: What's the difference between Ang-mor and
Hokkien fairy Tales?

ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."
and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka lu kong..."

[magixskin]

Originally Posted by ah rat

And here is a classic ......

QUESTION: What's the difference between Ang-mor and
Hokkien fairy Tales?

ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."
and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka lu kong..."

this is a good one thanks...

[magixskin]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this
day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with 1 guy." "Oh yeah?
Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah" "Well
he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the
wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the
phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you
doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get
room service to get some food." "Tiger would't do that." "Oh yeah?"
What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it 1 more time." The
guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
1 more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling
Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole...

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A



Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.

Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy?
A: Cuntindicular.

Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam.

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can get closer to their ovens.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

[bigbirdbird]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."



Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.



The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.



Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"



The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surprise, its me the Hippie!"



The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, it’s me the bus driver!"

Watch this video - you'll like it
http://www.forfun.us/watch/3099/Japa...port_Security/

[bigbirdbird]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet momma," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[bigbirdbird]

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each."

Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says,

"Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around."

[bigbirdbird]

Never Liked A Quicky


Wearing nothing but a bra
and as you can see,
A thong that looks cute
on my bald pussy.

My husbands eyes dancing
as I bend in his face,
Pulling my thong aside
and slips his finger in place.

I squeel with delight
as he goes deeper inside,
A moan here and there
and I spread my legs wide.

Fingering my kitten
getting it so nice & hot,
Smiling and pushing
looking for my G-spot.

I wiggle my hips back
and he increases the speed,
Saying"Fuck me big daddy
you know what I need.

He removes his fingers
and wipes them off with his tongue,
Saying"Don't run away yet
this is the beginning,I am not done".

Pulling my thong off
I'm in for a ride,
Unzipping his pants
and shoving his cock deep inside.

Rotating his hips
a moan and a grunt,
Next thing you know
he juiced in my cunt.

Isen't that just like a husband
thats been married for years,
2quick pumps
no sweat and no tears.

2minutes of sex
sometimes some force,
And they wonder why wives
ask for divorce.

[bigbirdbird]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were sitting on a street curb, bored to shit.

"Let's play swords!" Little Johnny says.

"Swords?" asked Billy. "How?"

"Simple," explains Little Johnny,

"Take off yer pants, grab yer cock, smack it till it's hard, then we whack'em together like they're swords!"

So they do, and they run up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords. Then a gay man walks up to them. "What are you two boys doing?" he asked.

"We're playing swords!" yells Little Johnny,

"Wanna play with us?"

The gay man says yes, he would like to play too, so he drops his pants and joins in on the action.

An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm too tired to go on," he says, bending over, "Just kill me so I can go home!"

[bigbirdbird]

Obscure Sexual Terms
Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms. Check out the hilarious definitions to these commonly used techniques.

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)

Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

[bigbirdbird]

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that..

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."

More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A


Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why are men men and rats rats?
Because rats had first choice.

Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
A big zero with a small tail....

Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the
living room.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

Why do men marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man.
A rumor.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!

Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.

How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.

Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?
A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.