Confession and failed marriage

[shoei]

Originally Posted by hugs

TS,

i have seen girl friends of mine in this n i was there with them for afew yrs after their marriage broke down so seriously my advice is this. delete everything that will link u to another woman. cos a cheated wife is super sensitive now. she must feel u r sincere n that she needs to feel u love her.

and besides woman charter is strong in sg so is time u shd learn to wipe ur ass clean. i have seen a friend who sent husband's phone n pc to expert detectives who can trace stuff out. (fuk whose side am i on now? the cheated woman or the cheating man?) but my intention is all good. i am hoping u understand it isnt easy for the wife to trust again if she caught the husband cheating her before.

and hey bro X, i came to sbf not for advice on what to do with my ex-husband or the relationship leh. i nvr ask anyone what to do with my ex-husband, shd i poison him or send him a bomb etc. me n my ex-husband talked over the phone when he was in china n he said it over the phone to me that he was looking for love in china so i shd move on with my life without him. it only took him 1 min to break the news to me. i didnt have time nor the choice to decide what to do with our relationship. he dumped me n the kids n took only 1 min to do it. i came to sbf cos he also left behind a 10k debts for us. he came back 1 yr later to say he missed the kids n missed coming back home. i gave him a slap(not that i am the violent type but my hand auto that day) n said i did FL for 2 months so the kids had food n a shelter(yup he knows it 4 yrs ago cos i told him. i have always been a open type of person while he has alot of secrets type of person. n he sold away the flat, he is super prepared) n we got over the missing him part long ago. i said it took us only a min to do that. and as for asking why it happened, i was in need of hearing words that may help me heal my wounded heart. wont anyone ask why the quake happened to my family or why my mother fallen sick and all that? when bad things happen to anyone it is natural to ask why mah. so cannot ask izzit :P (btw why u ask for my mailing address n then so long still didnt give me urs?)

sorry TS i so long winded. dont come to sbf anymore. find a bro from here if u need advice n meet him up instead. at least if she send detective it only proves u r meeting a man.

thank you for your advice. I am now very honest w my wife. I have broken clean all the contacts I had. I agree w u that she is very sensitive now. I only seek for her forgiveness. she's only staying in the marriage for the kids. but I still love her.

its difficult to find a guy and friend here. I wished I know what I can do now...

[shoei]

Originally Posted by alan0338

if kena cot liao then really lan lan need to be a good boy liao, r/s with OC will nv be the same ...

I agree. nv the same anymore.

I implored all guys who love ur oc to never let them down. don't be like me..

[shoei]

Originally Posted by Canoneos

Did you just have sex or love affair? If you have been eating out because your wife doesn't cook at home, then I think you have a better chance of reconciling. If it is a love affair, then it will be extremely difficult.

its both. I should have never done that...

[hugs]

TS,

from ur last few posts, u r showing sign of developing depression. listen to the good advice that friend of bro goodpartner gave everyone makes mistakes, blaming urself isnt going to make ur wife forgives u. so now that u regretted what u had done, u must firstly forgive urself n then start loving her. this is a better solution than staying in depression n crying over spilled milk.

u have to make sure she feels the love now. she is sad n u r sad = not helping the situation right? and believe me the kids can feel it when there is tension at home between parents. so now look at it that ur wife is sick at her heart n she needs to heal. and u r the best doctor. dont let her find comfort from someone else becos now she is staying in the marriage becos of the kids n soon she wont be staying marriage becos of the kids. she will be looking for new daddy for them. it is a natural instinct in a woman that a cheating husband makes bad daddy.

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.

[kayslyn]

IMO, action speaks louder than words. You don't just type here and say you're sorry about everything you've done. You need to show it to your wife. Probably the kids can be your cupid now since she's staying in the marriage for the kids..

Jiayou! (:

[RealEstateGuy]

I suggest the two of you take a second honeymoon soon to rekindle the love and trust. She might forgive in due time but will not forget. It's likely she will ride it out until your child is done with major expenses like a university education then kiss your ass goodbye. You set yourself up for this but if she is keeping you around as a source of income then you have a chance. Also, she wants a father figure around. If you can't do that job properly then she will kick you into the streets. Next time preempt your urge with counseling not picking up women at KTVs or having promiscuous sex with any women you meet. Keep us posted as you are not out of the woods entirely.

[shoei]

Originally Posted by chriz44

Hi bro, i admire you for recognising n admitting yr faults. But before you start the long road to recovery, pls share why you started yr flings in the 1st place.

To fully recover, one must know why or what caused it in the 1st place so that you can overcome.

I know the road to recovery is very very long. I started to have flings because my wife was preg and i couldnt bring myself to make love with her. I have made a terrible mistake...

[shoei]

Originally Posted by hugs

TS,

from ur last few posts, u r showing sign of developing depression. listen to the good advice that friend of bro goodpartner gave everyone makes mistakes, blaming urself isnt going to make ur wife forgives u. so now that u regretted what u had done, u must firstly forgive urself n then start loving her. this is a better solution than staying in depression n crying over spilled milk.

u have to make sure she feels the love now. she is sad n u r sad = not helping the situation right? and believe me the kids can feel it when there is tension at home between parents. so now look at it that ur wife is sick at her heart n she needs to heal. and u r the best doctor. dont let her find comfort from someone else becos now she is staying in the marriage becos of the kids n soon she wont be staying marriage becos of the kids. she will be looking for new daddy for them. it is a natural instinct in a woman that a cheating husband makes bad daddy.

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.

Everyone makes mistakes. I made a big mistake most people call it taboo. I believe i am experiencing depression. I tried to get out of it.

I have been doing quite a fair bit of reading on recovery from adultery. I need to rest and forgive myself and start working on wooing her again. There has been some improvements such as we holding hands and stuff. But she wants to me stay out of her private life...
Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

I am trying to work things out with her but everytime we talk, she gets very defensive and keep saying the following:
1) I dont love u anymore
2) Stop asking me questions
3) I will not forgive u.
4) I am staying in the marriage for the children.
5) I am not going to work for our marriage/family.

I am depressed and i know i shouldnt be. I have signed up for courses at the community centres and using work to numb the feeling but it just doesn't go away.

Thank you for listening and giving valuable advice.

[JacqueMerlin]

TS, when my ex wife cheated on me, she didn't have any remorse. She told me that her bf was better than me although I worked me ass off to provide for her. When that happened, I totally gave up on her. And it proved to be the right decision. And I later had another gf who also cheated on me. The irony was that these 2 girls always have been portraying the faithful type. How sure are you that you are the only one straying? I just want to highlight the possibilities. So think carefully after you calm down. Sometimes the problems are worse than you thought. Given the feedback you receive from her shows that something is amiss if you think harder. She might be using this chance to make a good one out of you.

[shoei]

Originally Posted by JacqueMerlin

TS, when my ex wife cheated on me, she didn't have any remorse. She told me that her bf was better than me although I worked me ass off to provide for her. When that happened, I totally gave up on her. And it proved to be the right decision. And I later had another gf who also cheated on me. The irony was that these 2 girls always have been portraying the faithful type. How sure are you that you are the only one straying? I just want to highlight the possibilities. So think carefully after you calm down. Sometimes the problems are worse than you thought. Given the feedback you receive from her shows that something is amiss if you think harder. She might be using this chance to make a good one out of you.

I truly dont think that is true. She is a good girl and a good wife/mother. But u raised a valid point. i should think carefully after calming down but it is not easy..

[teebs_darklord]

Originally Posted by shoei

Everyone makes mistakes. I made a big mistake most people call it taboo. I believe i am experiencing depression. I tried to get out of it.

I have been doing quite a fair bit of reading on recovery from adultery. I need to rest and forgive myself and start working on wooing her again. There has been some improvements such as we holding hands and stuff. But she wants to me stay out of her private life...
Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

I am trying to work things out with her but everytime we talk, she gets very defensive and keep saying the following:
1) I dont love u anymore
2) Stop asking me questions
3) I will not forgive u.
4) I am staying in the marriage for the children.
5) I am not going to work for our marriage/family.

I am depressed and i know i shouldnt be. I have signed up for courses at the community centres and using work to numb the feeling but it just doesn't go away.

Thank you for listening and giving valuable advice.

I'm guessing this issue only happened recently. If so, your wife is still very angry and upset about what you had done and thus, she will not accept your apologies or even consider getting back with you during this period. Thus, it is understood that she will say the things she has said to you (highlighted in red).

During this period, you should cut your wife a lot of slack. If you ask her about her relationships with her male colleagues now, it's only going to make matters a lot worse as her friends are her only source of comfort and support.

Recovering and salvaging your relationship is not going to be easy and will take a long time. A lot of hard work is needed on your part and hopefully you will succeed.

[hickeybites]

TS - u've got a lot of work cut out for u. as a sis who's been betrayed before, i can tell u that it may be years before u both reach true forgiveness & the pain/hurt is truly truly healed. have read somewhere (and as attested by my galfriends who were hurt from betrayal), if say affair lasted 1 year, it may take 2x that period of time (i.e. 2yrs) for both parties to truly forgive.

it'll take time for your wife to accept that u've betrayed her. in spite of how we may act, most gals/gfs/wives hold our partners high up in our hearts & respect & love our men deeply. when betrayal happens, it's like our entire universe collapses & we will wonder if the shared history was lies.

Ur wife probably also feels less attractive & jealous... when our men cheat on us, we would obsess & believe that he did so because the other party is more attractive, sexy, desirable. Give her time -- only she herself can come to terms with herself & be confident again after such shock. Of course u can help by sincerely telling her when she's beautiful etc -- again do this much later when she's ready to hear this. She may act out, act different -- all these are self protection mechanisms kicking in. U've got to understand that her sense of her own value & attractiveness has been seriously damaged.

Go for counselling & keep all your actions/life as transparent & stick to it - don't do this for a few weeks/months to only taper off. Show your wife that you're in this for the long haul & are committed to love & cherish her. Express to her somehow that she's the one for you & that u truly truly regret & are remorseful. I don't know full details but she may also have this doubt: if she didn't find out, would you have stopped the affair by yourself out of love for her. At the end of the day, it's damn tiring & painful for women to actually check up on our men; and contrary to what some may think, we don't like men to report back to us. We want our men to be open & share with us out of love & interest; it's the intention to be open that counts. If u intend to be open & faithful & committed, ur actions will naturally reflect that intention.

every relationship has its ups & downs... this is a big huge pit for u 2. but think of it this way... if u & ur wife can overcome this & climb out, ur relationship can only get better & better. U've already hit rock bottom, the only way could be upwards... Hang in there & don't waver when ur wife remains angry & defensive - she has every right to. U're depressed, guilty & probably in some hurt yourself -- please please hang in there & don't stray off to find solace somewhere else to ease your own pain. Hopefully over time, both of u can take this difficult phase as an opportunity to reflect & emerge out stronger as a couple. Take care

[hugs]

TS,

drags her with u to ur parents or her parents. get siblings involved. better to keep troubling family members then to let her find comfort in those male friends u cannot be there with her when she is with them. at least u can totally trust family members n knows they will report to u if something is amiss shd she be talking with them in private without u ard. afterall u have no idea what kind of poison those male friends/ or even female friends put into her mind n u cannot be there to speak ur side of the story.

hate to say this but, what do man always do when a woman said no? do man ever listen? no. so why u so obedient now? she said stay out of her private life n u listen? intrude pls. even if a quarrel breaks out, just pacify her n calm her down n let her cry or scream n scold whatever. she gets to vent it out n it is done with u. it is still a form of communication(quarrel) better than cold war with u n venting it with other male friends. at least u wont live to regret later in life that u shd have done something but didnt. woman is like that, if u stay out of her private life,soon someone else will walk into her private life. just let her speak her mind n if u feel the quarrel is abt to start, let her speak. this action shows u r supporting her still at this time, she will soon pick up the signal that u allow her to win in the quarrel n she will start to feel for u back. let her cry, scold u let her do what she wants but with u, not other man. when she is emotional, stay logical n control the quarrel...just let her win n thus win her back into the marriage.

[Xgenre]

Originally Posted by hugs

and hey bro X, i came to sbf not for advice on what to do with my ex-husband or the relationship leh.

Sis hugs, I was responding to a point you were making. Just to clarify, i am not responding to your own situation ok? Cos I don't wish to be seen as being rude to you in anyway. Cos I wasn't.

Originally Posted by hugs

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.

I think he should forget abt sex for now. Making love to the wife now is not going to be helpful. You are a lady. If your hubby cheats on you and tries to make up with u through sex, does that work? I think most guys think it won't work. Please share with us your views from a lady's point of view.

Originally Posted by shoei

Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

Ever heard of 'For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.'? You cheated on her, is she trying to cheat on you for revenge? You didn't find her attractive, so is she trying to find guys who will make her feel wanted and attractive? You know, some ladies when they lose their heads, they really let go. whatever you can do, I can do also. In fact, I can do more!

Ever thought of leaving the family home for the time being for her to cool down? I wonder if continuing to see you will make her anger boil over and over again. If so, she might do things that are beyond her in normal situations, like affairs, ons, whatever. If you leave the house and she doesn't see you for a while, it may give her time to cool down and let her sense of logic to return. Summary; since you are a sinner in her eyes, will whatever you do now makes things worse.

[hugs]

sorry TS, this is a reply to bro X, n i dont know if ur wife is like that but i think when a wife caught the husband cheating on her, the first thing to her mind is the husband finds her no longer attractive after given birth n that the husband finds the other woman sexier. then feeling inferior the wife may reject sex(dont want the husband to compare) so to actually stop having sex will snowball that thought in the wife's imagination. this is the situation i have seen even b4 i got married so when i found out abt my husband unfaithfulness (while he was a businessman owning factory in batam 13 yrs back) we nvr stop making love cos i know if i stop i will walk out. sex plays a big part in marriage. well to cut it all, what he did to me 4 yrs plus back was the biggest of all his many unfaithfulness over the yrs n the only one that we didnt continue to have sex( he is in china duh). he did come back a yr later but then i have sex with other men already n he doesnt seem so desireable anymore. if i had not been with other man, i just might still be with him now u know n continue to suffer many of his double lifestyles. thats why bro do-u bj scolded me b4 over this. why on earth got so dumb woman aka me XD