Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[magixskin]

An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.
So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.

[magixskin]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

[magixskin]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the f*cking kids!!"

[Evil33]

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

[Evil33]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

[Evil33]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Evil33]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher said: "Today we will learn multi-syllables. Does any one know any? Little Johnny stood up and said: "masturbate" wow said the teacher that's a mouth full. No miss Jones, you are thinking of a blow job!

[Evil33]

Little Johnny and Suzie play on the swing set every day after school. One day, little Johnny goes home after school and asks his father, "What’s this thing between my legs, daddy?" His father replies, "That's your truck, son. You want to park that in a girl's garage"

The very same day, Suzie goes home and asks her mother, "Mommy, what's this between my legs?" Her mother smiles and replies, "That is your garage, honey. You NEVER want to let a boy park his truck in there."

Both of the kids go to school the next day, and like always, they play on the swing set afterwards. Suzie goes home after a while, and her mother is shocked to see blood all over Suzie's face and clothes.

"Suzie, What happened??" She cried. "Oh nothing, mom. Little Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage, so I bit off his back two tires!!"

[Evil33]

Early one morning as school was starting the teacher called out to her students to get ready to make their presentations. She had asked the students to write about something important that happened in their families the night before. She asked who wanted to go first and Terry and little Johnny raised their hands. She called on Terry first because Little Johnny had a tendency to be fowl mouthed Terry gave his presentation and went back to his seat. Little Johnny walked up to the board and drew a dot and then walked back to his seat. The teacher after pondering over this for a minute finally asked what it was and Little Johnny said it was a period and the teacher said yes I can see that but what does it mean.
Little Johnny said, "The hell if I know, but last night at dinner when my sister told my parents she missed one Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the drug store owner on the corner shot himself.”

[Cum_Luver]

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying. When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

[Cum_Luver]

The Farmer and the Obnoxious Lawyer

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde continued: "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said: "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded: "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked, 'How are you feeling?' " "Now what the hell would you say?"

[Cum_Luver]

An elderly man with a cain boards a packed city bus. With no place to sit, he slips and catches himself with the strap above. Sitting next to him is a young kid and his father. The young kid says to the old man: "You know, if you put a rubber thing on the end of that you won't slip and have an accedent." To which the old man replies": "You know, if your dad man had put a rubber tip on the end of his, I'ld have a seat."

[nightfly1966]

Originally Posted by Cum_Luver

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying. When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

Hahaha!!! Gd 1 bro!

[seesaw]

There's a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the
money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[seesaw]

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...