Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

So ya see, little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. So little

Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!" ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.

Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"

Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.

Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"

[bigbirdbird]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

[bigbirdbird]

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.

He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.

She stops him once, twice and three times.

He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

[bigbirdbird]

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.

10. CLOCK WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting uggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It
makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.

[bigbirdbird]

The 7 Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

1) the doctor, he says "take off your clothes"

2) the dentist, he says "open wide"

3) the banker, he says "if you take it out to soon you'll loose interest"

4) the interior decorator, he says "once it's in you'll love it"

5) the milk man, he says "would you like that in the front or back?"

6) the hair dresser, he says "would you like that teased or blown?"

7) the hunter, he goes deep into the bush, he shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.

[bigbirdbird]

Some definitions


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation - To have and to hold.


Husband - What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.


Nursery - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.


Sissy - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist - A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat - A ball bearing mouse trap.

[bigbirdbird]

This one dedicated to all my Uncle's

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

[bigbirdbird]

Penis Request

Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor

2- I work at great depths

3- I plunge head first into everything I do

4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off

5- I work in a damp environment

6- I don’t get paid overtime

7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

8- I work in high temperatures

9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases



Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight

2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team

4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations

5- You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

7- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear

8- You will retire well before you are 65

9- You are unable to work double shifts

10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task

11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,

The Management

[albert05]

七言絕詩！ (工作篇) 打工眾生相

失業半年返職場，劏雞還神燒炮仗，開工本應喜洋洋，誰知世態變炎涼 ·
掃地阿嬸識雞腸，看更得過文學獎，學士碩士唔馨香，皆因博士也在場
助理一職百人搶，人工一定唔理想，五六仟蚊算中上，十二個月無雙糧 ·
萬人之下一人上，簽約兩年要裝香，資源增值假現象，強逼發揮你所長 ·
冷氣滴水修故障，電腦中毒你當殃，修理馬桶最平常，老細座架要保養
打字影印寫文章，有空送信兼抹窗，早場做到午夜場，七天工作真無良 ·
週一驗貨到南昌，週二見客在新疆，週三蒙古收爛賬，週四重慶釘木箱 ·
週五東莞曬臘腸，週六返港天已亮，週日加班無補賞，晚上終於胃潰瘍 ·
對住老板要讚賞，對應上司扮羔羊，對付下屬要表揚，對待同事要禮讓 ·
公司文化漸端詳，不懂都要頂硬上，同事有功必定搶，下屬有錯不原諒 ·
老細鬧我正粉腸，開會猶如打靶場，比人插到胃氣脹，鬧完仲要拍手掌 ·
返工慘過去當娼，皆因形勢比人強，無奈只有扮智障，只為月底那份糧 ·
笑臉迎人裝模樣，像是置身於歡場，這種壓力無法想，長此下去會缺氧 ·
打算請假來休養，老細面孔像晚娘，再講除非嫌命長，返回座位暗神傷 ·
妻兒少見無印象，晚餐白飯豆瓣醬，家裡只有四面牆，卡啦ok 廁所唱 ·
身心疲累自惆悵，真想回鄉去插秧，或是少林當和尚，不知不覺進夢鄉
夢裡見到文天祥，廟前幫人看面相，招手要我捧個場，端詳面相看手掌
贈言我來日方長，各行各業可多嘗，虛心學習要忍讓，只要奮發心向上
挖角升職薪水漲，有家有樓有車輛，撥開雲霧見太陽，天空海闊任飛翔 ·
臨行美金作打賞，天祥雙眼直發亮，睜眼還是四面牆，身旁還是孩子娘 ·
擦牙洗面打開窗，早餐多士凍鴛鴦，以上所講無誇張，全是打工眾生相 ·

[ah rat]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.



After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.



When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.



'But we didn't use them,' the man complains



'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.



'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.



'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentions the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'



'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'



'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.



'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[albert05]

木蘭詞(學生編) ...... !!?!!


積積复積積，唔識就唔識， 測驗夠刺激，居然無題識，
上堂听唔識，搗亂多款式， 自修一樣識，睬佢都生積，
生系中國人，死系中國魂， 要我學英文，梗系冇可能，


英語唔合格，更顯我性格， 數學唔合格，老師負全責，
語文唔合格，咁我冇辦法， 考試考得好，全靠隔离好，
考試考唔好，隔离唔識做， 日日返學愁更愁，老師講野無离頭，
我就听到似夢游，次次批評無理由，
功課多到似報仇，做野做到似撈頭，
返學為左乜，日日被糟質，
功課都系抄，一系就唔交，
返學等放學，放學飲可樂，
打鐘各自飛，就咁又One Day

[seesaw]

Hillbilly Jokes

* How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

* Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."

* Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

* What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.

* What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

* How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

* How can you tell if a hillbilly is married? There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

* What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

* Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

* What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

[seesaw]

For my retired or soon-to-be-retired friends -


And They Ask:

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!



Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

[seesaw]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

the next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

[seesaw]

In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honored to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner center circle.

Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.