Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[KIng's Order]

How to Annoy Your Waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

[KIng's Order]

Internet Cafe Jokes


Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"

Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"

Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.

Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"

Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.

Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"

Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.

[KIng's Order]

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, 'I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"

[KIng's Order]

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

[KIng's Order]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

[Paldo]

Never Judge a Man By His Appearance
At a New Year celebration meal an American to the Chinese man sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the Yuan-Xiao festival introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?

[Paldo]

The Story of Chen and The Cakes
Chen was extremely hungry, so he left work and went to a local snack bar where he bought a cake. When Chen had eaten the cake, he found that he was still famished, and so he ate a second one.

Even then he was not full up and promptly ate six cakes in succession, but he hadn't satisfied his hunger. Not until Chen had eaten the seventh cake did he feel satisfied.

Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. 'Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat those six others.'

[Paldo]

Huang Fu and the Bottle of Wine Parable
Huang Fu was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Hop. Huang Fu gave Hop a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Hop, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?' Huang Fu replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Hop eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Fu and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'


Hop replied to Huang Fu, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

Huang Fu made a choking sound but was unable to utter a word.

[Paldo]

Shanyuan and the Lie. Or Always Tell the Truth
♪Park was a rogue, a charlatan and a rascal, but he a hard life and barely managed to keep body and soul together. He often was close to starving. So one day Park happened to pass a household that was holding the funeral of one of its family members.

Quickly, Park slipped into the house and cried bitterly in front of the memorial tablet of the dead. Nobody knew him, so, surprised, people asked him why he cried.

'I was best friends with the dead. We hadn't seen each other for months. Now he has passed away, how could I not feel sad? Since I just happened to be passing, I wasn't prepared for this. All I can do now is to cry for my best friend, which is an expression of our friendship.'

The family was deeply moved by Park's comments and promptly asked him to stay to dinner. On his way home Park met an old friend, Shanyuan, whose life was equally precarious. 'Where did you manage to eat and drink today?' Shanyuan asked the roguish Park, who told him the story from beginning to end.

The next day Shanyuan also found a family that was holding a funeral and cried likewise. When they asked him the reason, he replied that he was a best friend of the dead. Before he had finished, however, Shanyuan received a storm of punches and kicks.

It transpired that the deceased of the family was a young housewife.

[Paldo]

A young man at a New Year抯 party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year抯 resolution to quit smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?'
'I've quit buying.'

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

On New Year抯 Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Steve and his wife the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, Steve ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation, before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, his wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for him. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Steve told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

[Paldo]

Once there was an old grandmother who believed in taboo. On New Year's Day and other festival days, she would try only to say nice things, and never let the word "no" rashly fall from her mouth.

One lunar New Year's Day, as soon as the grandmother got up, her little granddaughter passed her a bowl of sweet rice porridge. She drank it up joyfully.

"Grandma, will you take another bowl of rice porridge?" asked the granddaughter

"All right," replied the grandmother.

The little girl passed her the second bowl of rice porridge and quickly she drank it.

"Some more rice porridge?" asked the granddaughter.

The grandmother thought that during New Year's Day she couldn't say "no", and so she replied promptly, "O.K., I'll drink a third bowl." In this way the grandmother drank six bowls, and her stomach was like a big drum.

The little girl who wasn't very sensible still asked persistently, "Grandma, would you like to drink some more sweet rice porridge?"

The grandmother couldn't help shaking her hand, and said hurriedly, "No, no, no more, no more! If I drink any more, I'll bloat myself to death."

[Paldo]

A scholar was preparing to take the civil examinations. His wife was very puzzled by his constant worrying.
"Look at you, you worthless wretch," she said. "You probably think that it's more difficult for a man to write an essay than for a woman to give birth to a child."

"It is easy for you women to give birth to children," the scholar sighed.

"How's that?" she asked.

"You women can bear children easily because you carry the child in your stomach," the scholar said. "But I have nothing in my head, so how do you expect me to think of something to write?"

[Paldo]

Prime Minister Zhang was fond of handwriting, but he didn't put in a lot of effort to do his exercises. Everybody sneered at his bad handwriting, and the Prime Minister himself really didn't care.

One day he happened to draft a beautiful sentence and at once wielded his writing brush to write it down, indeed, there were dragons flying and snakes dancing all over the paper. Then he ordered his nephew to copy it.

When beginning to copy, his nephew stared tongue-tied and did not know where to start. The young man had to take the manuscript back to the Prime Minister.

"Uncle, I can't read your handwriting, please tell me what words they are."

The Prime Minister read his cursive hand a long time, and did not know what Chinese characters they were, either. He then turned to blame his nephew. "Why didn't you come earlier to ask me? I myself have forgotten the words which I've written."

[Paldo]

The Same Age Next Year
A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of his made a match for his babygirl, and told him the future husband was only one year older than she was.

The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets married, her husband will be forty," be said. "How do we have the heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"

His wife smiled and said, "You're really dumb. Our daughter is now one year old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the boy, now won't she?"




Whom to Depend on

There once was an old man aged 50, who had a lazy son aged 30. The son couldn't earn his own living, and still depended on his old father for food and clothing.
The old man was very worried about him, so he took him to the fortune teller to have his fortune told. The father and son both believed the fortune teller's prediction that the father would live to 80 and the son to 62.

After having found out how long they were going to live the son was very sad. His father comforted him.

"Don't be so sad! You are only 30 now, and still have 32 years of good days ahead of you." "I'm not worrying about my own age. It's just your age which causes me great anxiety," the son said.

Upon hearing his words, the father was deeply moved, and in tears said, "Don't worry about me so much I've got 30 years ahead of me too."

"I'm not worried about your age either," said the son, "I have figured out that you'll die two years earlier than I. So whom will I depend on in the two years after your death?"

[Paldo]

It Doesn't Matter If It Is Leaking!

A ferry boat was once crossing a river. Suddenly the boat struck a rock and water relentlessly poured into the cabin. The passengers were frightened out of their wits. Only one man sat calmly as if nothing had happened and even laughed at the way the others were so alarmed.

"Don't worry! It's not our problem," the man said. "It doesn't matter if it's leaking because it's not our boat."