Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ouich!!!]

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!...... So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen.... Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?

[Ouich!!!]

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ......

I D 1 0 T

[BlueSteel]

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

[BlueSteel]

Confusing Chinese Names (actually it is the English Christian names that cause the confusuion)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?


Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.


Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!


Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?


Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.


Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?


Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.


Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!


Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?


Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).


Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
================================================== ====
This is hilarious ...

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

[BlueSteel]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away.
The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.
The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"

[BlueSteel]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, " Do you know me ?" To which she replies, " I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever beenn unfaithful to his wife. He has a flashback and says, " My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt "
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, " Umm...No...I'm your son's math teacher."

[BlueSteel]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised,
answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties &
forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how
many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties,
his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties &
forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."

[BlueSteel]

A blonde girl came home from school one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from the top of the roof..

"You silly girl," her mother said, "He just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."

The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!"

[BlueSteel]

A new army field Commander is assigned to an outift in a remote post of Iraq. During his first inspection of the whole company, he notices a camel tied up behind the mess tent. He ask the Sergeant why is the camel kept there. The nervous Sergeant says, " well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here and no women at all. And sometime the men have urges. That's why we have the camel."
Shocked, the field commander says, "I cant say that I allow this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the commander starts having his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Positioning a ladder behind the camel, the commander climbs the ladder, pull his pants down and has wild, insane s_x with the camel. As he pulls out, he asks the Sergeant, " Is this how the men do it?"
"No not really sir," replies the Sergeant, " They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[BlueSteel]

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[BlueSteel]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[BlueSteel]

One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time that he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning.

The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn't get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp.

"What is it Sweetheart?" asked his wife.

"I just realized," answered the man "that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

[BlueSteel]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[BlueSteel]

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[BlueSteel]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." =.-"