Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Playman]

Ugly girl with parrot...

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder.
The woman says: "If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."
The guy: "An alligator."
Woman says: "Close enough"

[Roman city]

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[Roman city]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Playman]

Who's on trial?....


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."

[Playman]

Good Ambition

Teacher: What do
you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u
can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for
it.

[Playman]

Married men?
Man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers: "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..etc."

[Playman]

Wives

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.my wife came home with no panties!!'
That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Playman]

Innocent Nun

Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On
the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest Spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim."
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can
survive more than a day or two."
'I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make
it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was
sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can give life."
"I s that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!"

[bakylotus]

MISTAKES


Teacher: (Frustrated) 'Look at this paper.
How could one person make so many mistakes'.

Student: (Defensive) 'It wasn't one person,
my dad helped'.


MOUTHWASH


A drunk walked into a drugstore and asks for
a bottle of mouthwash.

'I'm not selling you that', says the druggist.
'You'll drink it for the alcohol and get sick
outside my door!'.

'Not true' insists the drunk. 'I have my first
date in over a year and I want to make a good
impression'.

'Oh I'm sorry, Here'. The druggist takes a
bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it
on the counter.

The drunk stares at it. 'Got one that is
refrigerated?'.

[Roman city]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[Roman city]

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[ilovelife.now]

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”

“I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.”

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

[ilovelife.now]

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

[ilovelife.now]

Joke: Do You Have A Dog House?

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "You are gay"

[beary]

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."

Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."

Snap! he was dead.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied,"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."