Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[deadfish]

Little Daughter

Doug: I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours. What are you going to do when she starts to date?

Bill: I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember this: I don't mind going BACK to prison."

[deadfish]

If Only You Told Me

A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist explained the product and asked, "They come in packets of three, six and twelve. How many you think you would need?"

"Well" explains the young man, "I have known this wonderful girl for seven months now. Tonight I am meeting her parents for the first time, and then we are off to an all-night party. So I think tonight is the night I will get in her. And, once she gets it, I know she will want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend's house.

At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays, and prays, and prays, and prays and not taking his head up. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says; "You never told me you were so religious!"

He answered her; "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"

[deadfish]

Family Pride

A Virgin started going out on her first date ever. She sought advice from her grandmother about dating conducts.

So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Grand Ma took the breath and continued, �But most important of all my sweet grand daughter, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you; You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace our family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her own business. Upon returning home, later that night from her date, the girl could not wait to tell her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her date went just like grandma advised.

Then she noted, "I did not let him disgrace our family Grandma. When he tried to do that, I just flipped, got on top of him and had my way with him. You know grandma we disgraced his family!"

[deadfish]

Professions

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

[Kalv]

Originally Posted by beary

Eileen and her husband Joe went for counseling ...etc
....

Great jokes. Keep it up. Thanks for sharing. Just up U back. Cheers .

[seesaw]

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:


1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya

[seesaw]

Life's Rules
*
01. There are 2 sides to every divorce: Yours and The Cheating S*ut's.

02. The closest I got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

03. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

04. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?" And I ducked just in time.

05. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.

06. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

07. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

08. If flying is so safe, why do they call it the airport "terminal?"

09. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Mary's.

12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

13. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

15. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been."

18. When a Father enters domestic court he is treated as a sperm donor
and money tree.

[seesaw]

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever
she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... It doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

[seesaw]

A real woman is a man's best friend.She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....

No wait...Sorry!

I'm thinking of whiskey . It's whiskey that does all that shit.


--

[deadfish]

The Right Woman

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"

[deadfish]

Stuck Peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

[deadfish]

Stubborn Girlfriend

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

[deadfish]

Pregnant At 18

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a 1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

[deadfish]

Dictionary Of Dating..


ATTRACTION -
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.


LOVE AT 1st SIGHT -
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.


DATING -
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.


BIRTH CONTROL -
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.


EASY -
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.


PRIG -
a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.


EYE CONTACT -
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.


FRIEND -
a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
with him/her totally unappealing.


INDIFFERENCE -
a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."


INTERESTING -

a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.


IRRITATING HABIT -
what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.


LAW OF RELATIVITY -
how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.


NYMPHOMANIAC -
a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.


FRIGID -
a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.


SOBER -
condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.


NAG -
a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

[deadfish]

Pick-up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Free Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: :So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Stop."

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason..."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhh! You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"