Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,

"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!

[beary]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

[beary]

So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.

Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....

[vking]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand women. What makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you want two lanes or four ?"

[Cum_Luver]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[Cum_Luver]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[Cum_Luver]

A couple were married and, following the wedding,
the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you.
Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me.
But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[Cum_Luver]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[Cum_Luver]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[Miao Chu]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."

[Miao Chu]

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

[Miao Chu]

The Nagging Wife
Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

[Miao Chu]

Step Back, I Know First-Aid
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

[Miao Chu]

Extra Effort Award
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

[Miao Chu]

The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts
Women with big breasts…
•..can get a taxi on the worst days
•..have a neat place to carry spare change
•..have always been the centre of the arts
•..make jogging a spectator sport
•..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
•..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
•..always float better
•..know where to look first for lost earrings
•..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
•..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women with small breasts…
•..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
•..always look younger
•..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
•..can always see their toes and shoes
•..can sleep on their stomachs
•..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
•..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
•..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
•..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.