Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Sammyboyforum]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Sammyboyforum]

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

[Sammyboyforum]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[Sammyboyforum]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Sammyboyforum]

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign rally in North Dakota, Barack Obama received a hockey stick as a gift from the University of North Dakota ice hockey team. Well, you thought he was a bad bowler."

-Jay Leno

"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way."

-Jay Leno

"The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month, he will visit a synagogue. The Pope's going to visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Penn was kicked off her campaign for promising Colombian officials that he would help them get a trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Did you hear his excuse? Hillary wasn't buying it. He said he misspoke. He was sleep-deprived."

-Jay Leno

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor."

-Stephen Colbert

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations."

-Conan O'Brien

"After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, 'Five times to my face he said he would never do that.' Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?"

-Seth Meyers

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation."

-Bill Maher

"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died."

-Amy Poehler

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,' Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'

Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.'

Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' more...

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud' hiss-pop' noise.' The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,' explains the guide.' The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.'

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a' Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop' noise.' Wait a minute!' says the man taking the tour.' I understand what the' hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that' pop' every so often?'

'Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,' says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.'

'Well, that can't be good for the condoms!'

'Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!'

[YY Tell Me Why?]

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.

The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.' But, how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.' Well,' he said,' after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write' sauerkraut' on the back.' Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.' Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,' she explained.' I don't understand what it means!'' Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:' Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!'

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?" One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye." The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet." So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar. When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear." The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take more..

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she more...

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."

[YY Tell Me Why?]

TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE
10. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
8. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
6. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards - and you're a woman
4. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
3. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy