Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Notsocheap]

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building.

One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear.

"Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

[Notsocheap]

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs.

Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

[Notsocheap]

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.

"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

[tomvoyeur]

LOL, this helps to relieve stress from a week of chores.

[bigbirdbird]

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.

One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.

"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy.

"You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."

For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.

She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"

Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."

Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.

"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"

Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.

"Absolutely not!" he exploded.

"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."

But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.

"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."

Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.

When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed. Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.

Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.

No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.

Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....

"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

[bigbirdbird]

Making a cup of coffee is...
like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is..
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[Notsocheap]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to enjoy all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27", she replies

"Oh god", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[Notsocheap]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed. The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

[Notsocheap]

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[Notsocheap]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a birth before it gets away!"

[Notsocheap]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...

No madam, said the gardener…

[bigbirdbird]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

[bigbirdbird]

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with a bj, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".

Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.

Well one day a Yankee broke down, and had to stay the night.

Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite.

“The Yankee just smiled and said “$100 or I'll piss!"

[bigbirdbird]

Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring, but don't say no.

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

~ Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone.

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight are unimportant.

[Notsocheap]

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other.

He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building.

One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"