Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[wilddog]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, i am, i married the wrong man."

[wilddog]

If i have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.

[Sammyboyforum]

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

[Sammyboyforum]

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!

[Fmcane]

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to legally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.

[Fmcane]

一天一家小影院放映一片子。

廣告文宣寫到：「七個男人和一個女人的故事！」
並有說明：「一美女莫名暈倒，遭七男人強行拖入森林…」
眾人都覺很有吸引力逐買票入場，等到電影放映時，大螢幕出現《白雪公主》………
眾人氣急敗壞的走了。

隔天眾人再次路過小影院，見廣告有所變化。 廣告寫到：「七個男人和一個女人的故事！」並又有說明：
「一如花美女與七男人的數天驚濤駭浪般的銷魂！（註：絕非《白雪公主》）」

眾人這次覺得比上次更有吸引力，而且說明不是白雪公主，逐又買票入場。
結果大螢幕出現《八仙過海》………

過一星期後，這家小影院又放映新的片子。
廣告文宣精彩的寫道：「人與獸之間跨越物種藩籬的禁忌之愛…」
副標題說明：「人與獸之間如此的火熱刺激。其過程令人臉紅心跳，保證精彩！」
眾人雖然先前有過受騙的經驗，但是一看到如此的文宣後，還是爭先恐後的買票入場
，等到電影放映時，大螢幕出現《人魚公主》………

當場有人吐血身亡，於是憤怒的眾人紛紛離場。

隔天眾人再次路過小影院，這時有許多的男性群眾睜大了眼睛，而口水不自覺的從嘴 角流出。只見廣告看板上斗大的文字寫著：
「未經人事的處女，在大螢幕上現出了寶貴的第一次……流下了珍貴的處女之血。將
在此，為了各位在大螢幕上赤裸裸的呈現！」 :

眾人一看到如此的大膽標題。幾乎是以幾近瘋狂的方式，尤其是男性，去搶購門票入 場。而當眾人以非常期待的眼神等待著電影放映時，結果大螢幕出現《睡美人》…… 眾人全部昏倒。 ~

又過一星期後，這家小影院開始又放映新的片子，由於眾人一而在再而三的上當。促
使這家小影院門可羅雀。於是這家小影院迫不得以，終於使出了殺手鑑。大打廣告與
促銷方案。 )

這時一些純真善良的女性群眾路過這家小影院，不經意的看到這次的廣告文宣，不看
還好。一看到這家小影院廣告文宣後。一個個無不鼻血直流，而上下兩口口水宛如瀑
布流水頃洩不止。只見廣告文宣上寫著：
「當這位英俊的可愛型奶油小生作了某件令人覺得羞恥的事後，就會變的～又粗、又
長、又大、又硬、令人無法一手掌握，卻又捨不得放手。讓男人傷心，女人開心……
本電影院冒著關門大吉的危險，不惜重資獨家放映。如有廣告不實退十倍金額，錯過
這次再等一百年！不看可惜！」

於是這群純真善良的女性群眾，抱著既期待又怕受傷害的純情少女心，以近超音速的速度買票後衝進 電影院。
等電影放映時，結果大螢幕出現《小木偶奇遇記》……… :d:d

[bigbirdbird]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first.

"Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[bigbirdbird]

Tattooed On Dick

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.

"Sure", says the artist. "Where you want it?"

"Wrap it around my prick", says the customer.

"Why do you want it on your prick?" asked the tattoo artist.

"Three reasons", replied the man thoughtfully, "

One, I like to play with my money.

Two, I like watching my money grow.

Three, my wife loves to blow money."

[bigbirdbird]

Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear;
You've been on overtime almost all year;
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool;
Working overtime is wasting your tool;
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen;
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead;
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise;
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're at work, we'll proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been;
And that is a man who is so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his screwing to run a machine.

[bigbirdbird]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

[bigbirdbird]

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.

[battery]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[battery]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[battery]

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

[bigbirdbird]

Hot Dog



A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick." "It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."