Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[RED DEVILS GATE]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A young couple go for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A Hillbilly went to a bar. He took a seat next to a gorgeous woman. Looking at her closer, he decided he'd like to get to know her, so he moved his barstool closer.

She looked at him, and said "You're wasting your time. I'm a Lesbian."

The Hillbilly asked "What's a Lesbian?"

The Lesbian said "You see that bargirl over there? If I had her at my place, I'd remove all her clothes." The Lesbian proceeded to tell the Hillbilly exactly what she'd do, with what part of her body, for how long, to the bargirl.

The Hillbilly sat stunned for a minute, and moved his stool back where it was. In a minute, the Lesbian looked at him. He had big Crocodile tears flowing down his cheeks.

She said "What's the matter with you?"

He said "I think I'm a Lesbian too!"

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Little Johnny comes home from School one day, with a worried look on his face. His father asks him ,"whats troubling you Little Johnny"

Little Johnny answers. Well the teacher has asked us to learn what the word "contagious" means, by tomorrow ,and if we don't know she'll keep us in after school.

Little Johnny's Dad chuckles and says, son, that's easy! He puts his arm around Little Johnny's shoulder, and leads him to the kitchen window and says. Tell me what you see out there Little Johnny?

Little Johnny says that all he sees, is Mom out there mowing the lawn...

Well that's your answer says little Johnny's Dad. It'll take the cunt-ages to finish the lawn...

[RED DEVILS GATE]

In an orchestrated event to promote newer, more restrictive gun laws, President Obama addresses an audience of school children at a West Texas elementary school.

He stands silently at the podium and then begins to clap and pause, clap and pause. He does this for a while before speaking.

"Every time I clap my hands, a child somewhere in America dies from gun violence. Even a child should be able to see the solution." President Obama looks expectantly over the audience.

A little boy raises his hand. "Maybe you should stop clapping."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Southern Comments

Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

[RED DEVILS GATE]

A 'souped-up' milk float is to be used in an attempt to smash a land speed record to become the fastest milk float in the west. The 'Electric Blue' has been specially adapted with an extra motor fitted, it has a fin on its roof, to combat turbulence, and has its suspension lowered for the attempt. And owner Kevin Bourne hopes to beat the current record of 71.4mph next year, reports the Metro newspaper.

'Everyone has a stock impression of milk floats travelling at 10mph, so you don't expect to see one accelerate to 80mph,'commented Mr Bourne.

This vehicle has been on display at the Museum of Science and Industry in Manchester, UK.

[RED DEVILS GATE]

Joanne read in Vogue magazine that a milk bath does wonders for your skin. So she wrote a note asking the milkman to leave 100 bottles of milk for her next delivery.

Eddie, the milkman, saw the note, and thought there must be an error in the number of zeros. Therefore he knocked on the door and asked Joanne, to clarify the order. Joanne confirmed that she wants 100 bottles to fill her bath. The milkman then asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized' Joanne replied 'No, just up to my neck'.