Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

While at his doctors trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from to much sex.

"How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks.

" Well I can not stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I will not be able to sleep at night", Jim reports.

"My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"!

So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and began to feel much better. How ever Jims addiction to sex is more then he can control, and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control, and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die, and there is nothing he can do for him. I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down, he said. All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes?

Jim says yes Doctor I do! I want you to promise me that when I die you make sure I get cremated.

His Doctor agrees.

Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and get some woman to run me through one last time!

[bigbirdbird]

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[bigbirdbird]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[bigbirdbird]

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.

"Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.

Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"

Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.

The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.

The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!

Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent.

Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."

From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say, "Daddy?"

[bigbirdbird]

THE TOILET SEAT

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
The Doctor replied,

"Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[bigbirdbird]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said,'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'When I hold you like that, does that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!’

[bigbirdbird]

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being remodeled. Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Pricilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses." While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says "Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied "Pricilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

[bigbirdbird]

Clever Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You


~*~ "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."

~*~ "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and
steamed clams?"

~*~ "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep
looking."

~*~ "So, twenty bucks then?"

~*~ "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's
mistletoe!"

~*~ "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to
Oprah."

~*~ "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."

~*~ "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my*
wife! Can you imagine?!?"

~*~ "Look, do you want that raise or not?"

~*~ "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"

[bigbirdbird]

A gay guy walks into a barbershop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I
make hair grow on my chest?"

The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real
thick..."

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs
into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest,
he says, "What the hell is this?"

The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my
chest hair would grow..."

His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case
you would have a damn ponytail hanging out of your ass by now!"

[bigbirdbird]

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an
experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from
the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the
middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His
penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I can fit another roll up my ass."

[someguy]

There were 3 guys that was sentenced to 5 years in prison under solitary confinement. Feeling sorry for them, the warden allows them a request each.

The first guy, a glutton, asks for 5 year worth of junk food. The second guy, an alcoholic, asks for 5 years worth of hard liquor. The third guy, a heavy smoker, asks for 5 years worth of cigarettes. Their requests were granted and they began their sentence.

At the end of 5 years, when they are due to be released they found that, the first guy had died possibly due to eating too much. They open the second door and also found the guy dead due to alcohol poisoning.

They open the third door expecting the worst but found the third guy in perfect physical health but sitting in the corner repeating to himself: "Should have brought a lighter..."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends
one evening.

"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's
going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to
go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it
with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down
to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying
his dinner.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made
her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it
and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they
exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one
of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just
sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
mantel while he was licking his ass!"

[bigbirdbird]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne…
The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence,’ says the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’

‘That’s great!’ says the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’?

[bigbirdbird]

*Statistical Findings: *

*10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date *

*20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place *

*36% of the women favor nudity *

*45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes *

*46% of the women experienced anal sex *

*70% of the women prefer sex in the morning *

*80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations *

*90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest *

*99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. *

*Conclusion: *

*Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in *

*the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the *

*office at the end of the day. *

*Moral: *

*Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!*

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"