Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~天堂鸟~]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965." Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? Was it a relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[~天堂鸟~]

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

[~天堂鸟~]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[~天堂鸟~]

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. "Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!" "Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

[~天堂鸟~]

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

[LovePotion]

thats a good one keep it up bros

[Raheemsterling]

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?

one boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."

Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

the teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said "I would want silicone."

"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher

"Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway "

[Raheemsterling]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[Raheemsterling]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.

[Raheemsterling]

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

"Doctor I think I have the crabs."

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."

"Fruit flies?" asks granny.

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

[Raheemsterling]

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."

[habbo]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[habbo]

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her fathertells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says,

"No, my father said I don't have to do this."

Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

[habbo]

Maria is a devot Catholic. She get married and has 17 children.

Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has

22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later,

she dies. At the furneral, the priest looks skyward and says

"At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row

says "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first

husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"

[Putin]

Great joke, really enjoy them