Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

“I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained.

“I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed , then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”

The shrink thought for a moment and said… “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says… “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try.

[bigbirdbird]

One day a young man entered a pharmacy and asked the older lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

"I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "My sister and I are both Pharmacists and we are partners in this business."

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

"Young man," the lady said to him, "My sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I become aroused, it won't go down for hours and hours,no matter how much I use self stimulation or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?"

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him. About 5 minutes later she returned to the counter.

"Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $700 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

[bigbirdbird]

Moral Dilemma

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus....

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

An old friend who once saved your life.

The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.




This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:


"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.."


Sometimes,we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is - ta da:


To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

[nabill]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[pcis]

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

[MatureM40sg]

what a jokes that all of us love to read

[-SBF-]

Check this out. lolz


DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

[bigbirdbird]

Large Woman Fetish



A man with a fetish for very large women walked into a brothel.

"Good evening," the madam greeted.

"What can I get you?"

The man answered, "I really like large women and I want a big one."

The madam showed him a big woman, but he shook his head and asked, "Do you have anyone bigger?"

The madam showed him another, even bigger woman.

"Better," he said, "But I want someone bigger.

Matter of fact, I want the biggest woman you have!"



The madam brought him to the biggest woman who worked in the brothel.

She was enormous.

"Perfect!" he said.



The woman brought him to her room and soon the two of them were going at it with him on the top.

After a few minutes, he suddenly stopped and said to the woman,

"Sorry, do you mind if I turn off the light?"

"It's me, isn't it?" she replied.

"You don't find me attractive because I'm so big and fat, right?"

"No, no," he said.

"That's not it.

I think you're beautiful.



It's just that the light bulb is burning my ass!"

[bigbirdbird]

Always Get a Second Opinion


The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit'.

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 32 since I was 18
years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache.'

New suit - $ 400.00
New shirt - $ 75.00
New underwear - $ 10.00
Second Opinion – PRICELESS!

[bigbirdbird]

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter.

The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!

Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room.

He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls.

She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living.

He tells her that he was a meat grinder....so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick....he runs out screaming.

The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says,

My father was a butcher."

So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.

Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens.

But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollypop tester"

[luvmenot]

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears". The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

[luvmenot]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time."

She replied. "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

[luvmenot]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[luvmenot]

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me," and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. The husband screams, "What the hell are you doing here!"

The repairman shakes his head and replies, "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"