Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[luvmenot]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[bigbirdbird]

A New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar : A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue...salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys...very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks...this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, 'Good God!!! What do you call that drink?'

She smiles at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

[thomko]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun again says "Father remember psalm 129!!!"

Again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

[bigbirdbird]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

[bigbirdbird]

Dave the Sailor

Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel. "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

[bigbirdbird]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[bigbirdbird]

Perry fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Perry threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Perry swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

"Shit," sighed Perry, "there go my Sundays!

[soundlab]

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

[soundlab]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

[soundlab]

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

[soundlab]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[soundlab]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

[soundlab]

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.
She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited.
When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

[soundlab]

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."