Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 473

bigbirdbird · #**7081** 13-01-2016, 11:48 AM

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you/"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the doorknob out of my ass."

bigbirdbird · #**7082** 13-01-2016, 11:48 AM

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Freehold."

Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Point Pleasant."

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

bigbirdbird · #**7083** 28-01-2016, 07:45 PM

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

bigbirdbird · #**7084** 28-01-2016, 07:47 PM

A man walks into a public men's room.

His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled.

He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

bigbirdbird · #**7085** 28-01-2016, 07:48 PM

A Man shouts to his wife,
Come here and look at my clock
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on
She says that's not a clock
He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it..

bigbirdbird · #**7086** 28-01-2016, 07:55 PM

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.

On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion."

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."

bigbirdbird · #**7087** 30-01-2016, 01:56 PM

A kitty and a rooster held a race.

They reached a stream.

The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"

The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"

The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.

The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.

The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

bigbirdbird · #**7088** 30-01-2016, 01:58 PM

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.

The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.

The girl was so happy that she ran home and told her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor!

bigbirdbird · #**7089** 30-01-2016, 01:59 PM

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.

One more and I'll have a golf course."