Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers it, engaging the loudspeaker function as he does so. Everyone in the room stops to listen to the conversation.

“Hey babe, I’m at the city center mall now and I found this gorgeous leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Can I buy it?” asks the woman at the other end.
“Sure, if you like it then go ahead!” replies the man.

“I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. There’s one I LOVE and it’s $98,000,” the woman continues.

“Okay, go ahead and buy it. Just make sure it comes with all the options for that price though,” the man says.

Pushing her luck even further, the woman asks: “Do you remember that house I wanted last year? Well, it’s back on the market for $980,000…”
“Make an offer of $900,000 – they’ll probably accept it. Go to $950,000 if you think it’s a really good price for the house,” the man replies.

“Okay honey, see you later! I love you so much – you’re so good to me,” the woman says.

“You’re worth it. Goodbye dear,” replies the man, and hangs up the call.

By this point, the men in the room are aghast, mouths wide open.

The man says: “Hey guys, does anyone know whose phone this is?”

[bigbirdbird]

Osvaldo, the postman, was retiring and that was his last day of work.

In the morning, to start your roadmap for the last time, he approached the first house, and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift. In the next house, the villagers gave him a set of equipment for fishing, and in the third house, he won a box of fine cigars.

However, in the next house, he was greeted by Dona Lili, a sexy blonde wearing a tiny negligee. Without a word, she motioned for him to enter the house. Gently, she led him to the bedroom and had sex with him passionately. Osvaldo was really enjoying everything.

Then she took him to the kitchen, where you prepared a tasty snack with juice, fruit, toast, eggs, cereal, cheese, ham, bread, cake and coffee. Osvaldo was really pleased. While leaning to pour himself another cup of coffee, he noticed a note of 5 reais under the saucer.

Curious, he asked the blonde: "All this is wonderful and I enjoyed very ... ... but so are these 5 real? "

"Oh," says Dona Lili, "is that I asked my husband yesterday that we should give you the retirement. He said, 'Fuck the postman! Give 5 real to him!'"
And smiling, proud, added: "The part of the snack was my idea!"

[KambingAyam]

Bro bigbirdbird thanks for sharing wonderful jokes

[Truckers]

Very good jokes by TS

[bigbirdbird]

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.

Aviaries are where you find birds."

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.

After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!

There's been a cockatoo in there."

[bigbirdbird]

Impotence


A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.

Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

[bigbirdbird]

Final Exam


A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart assed male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write."

[bigbirdbird]

Panda at a Bar


A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman.

She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.

After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."

She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

[bigbirdbird]

Penis Study


“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.

The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.

They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.

After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.

The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.

So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

[RIMSHOT]

[bigbirdbird]

Coffee


On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it.

As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Alligator and the Blonde


A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

He says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my dick inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his dick in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.

The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.

Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

It's a woman.

"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my
ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up!"

[FilbertStreet]

ROFL very good jokes TS
Thanks!!

[nickotan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Final Exam


A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart assed male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write."

LMAO this is funny!!!!! ;D

[bigbirdbird]

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!"