Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies.

When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."

"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

[bigbirdbird]

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.

The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.

"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.

"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.

"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"

Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."

With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.

"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."

The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.

"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"

The man winces and replies, "Yeah."

The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

[S.B.Y.1]

[margate]

Very good jokes!! Thanks

[ho1256]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Hahahaha this is funny

[Truthful]

Great thread.. support.

[Cageng]

Very good jokes here, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the
winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

[bigbirdbird]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

the next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

[bigbirdbird]

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

(He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he just might be able to walk again.)

[bigbirdbird]

List Of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump

2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker

3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy

4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout

5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner

6. You Cant Go Wrong If U Shield Yr Dong

7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

8. If U Think She's Spunky Cover Yr Monkey

9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize

10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter

11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick

12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat

13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis

14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse

15. Especially In December, Gift Wrap Yr Member

16. Never,Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker

17. Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool

18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection

19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil

20. A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her

21. No Glove, No Love!

[bigbirdbird]

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.

"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"

[nickotan]

Great jokes!!
Thanks

[bigbirdbird]

The 7 Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

1) the doctor, he says "take off your clothes"

2) the dentist, he says "open wide"

3) the banker, he says "if you take it out to soon you'll loose interest"

4) the interior decorator, he says "once it's in you'll love it"

5) the milk man, he says "would you like that in the front or back?"

6) the hair dresser, he says "would you like that teased or blown?"

7) the hunter, he goes deep into the bush, he shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.