Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[roastduck]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

[bakylotus]

SEX TYPES


Retirement Sex
Two senior citizens were talking, 'So, how's your sex life?'
The other answered, 'Oh, nothing, I'm having pension sex.
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on'.


Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, Doctor, everytime we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell'.
'My dear, thats completely natural, I don't see what the
problem is'.
'The problem is', she complained, 'it wakes me up'.


Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a lovemaking session, 'How come you
never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home'.


Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him modern medicine
would give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500
for 'medium' and $14,000 for 'large'.
The man was sure he would want a 'medium' or 'large', but the
doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decisions. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room
and found the man dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She would rather remodel the kitchen'.


Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary and the husband yelled, 'When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'HERE LIES MY WIFE,
COLD AS EVER'.
'Yeah', she replied, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: HERE LIES MY HUSBAND, STIFF AT LAST'.


Elderly Sex
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became
violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of the 20th
floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked
her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, Your Honour, I figured that at 92 if
he could have sex, he could also fly'.

[birdie8819]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[birdie8819]

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.

[birdie8819]

Q) What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?
A) In both cases, you really don't want to look down.


***********

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[birdie8819]

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills.

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter.

He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

[birdie8819]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.

[birdie8819]

Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.


********************

Reasons Why Women Are Like Football (Soccer) Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

[birdie8819]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.

[birdie8819]

I doubt anyone dare to do this .




ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

[birdie8819]

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night


*************

Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1 Don't call, ever.

2 If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3 Lie.

4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"

6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11 Lie

12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22 Say things like "Wha...?"

23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24 Lie.

25 Deny everything. Everything.

26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from George Castanza)

27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28 Don't have a clue.

29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30 No means yes.

31 Yes means no.

32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35 Feelings? What feelings?

36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38 Lie I tell you!!

39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42 Lie.

43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46 Lie.

47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54 Lie.

55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

59 You are male, therefore you are superior.

60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62 Don't ever notice anything.

63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

66 Lie.

67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.

73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77 Lie.

78 General Rule: Different is BAD.

79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

83 Lie.

84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89 Practice your blank stare.

90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

95 Beer. Then more beer.

96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97 One word: FOOTBALL!

98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100 LIE

[birdie8819]

One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"


****************


"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"

"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

[birdie8819]

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??


**********


Rhyming Sex Terms

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[birdie8819]

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

[birdie8819]

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work.

Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why
they hadn't parented a black baby.

Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your wanker at least a foot long?"

John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?"

Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"