Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 502

Jokimio · #**7516** 09-12-2016, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipe

Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

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Very true hehe

knnccbOrbin · #**7517** 10-12-2016, 01:20 PM

Thanx for all the jokes.

scamat · #**7518** 10-12-2016, 03:24 PM

Very nice jokes, thanks to all who share!

BlueHeadTuna · #**7519** 10-12-2016, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scamat

Very nice jokes, thanks to all who share!

Agree that the jokes are very good, ROFL

KnowItAll · #**7520** 10-12-2016, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Who Will Get the Coveted Place?

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Hahaha.. this one is damn good.

lipe · #**7521** 12-12-2016, 09:45 PM

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Ah Beng walk into 7-11 and ask for a packet of tampons.

"Are these for your mum?" ask Ah Lian at the counter.

"No. these are for us." Ah Beng replied.

"Why?" ask Ah Lian.

Ah Beng replied "It says on TV that you can swim, surf, dive, play tennis, rollerblade and ride horses if you use tampons."

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lipe · #**7522** 12-12-2016, 09:55 PM

.

Ah Beng meets a gorgeous Ah Lian in Zouk. There is an obvious attraction between them.

They get back to Ah Lian's place and, as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom pack with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears fill a shelf the length of the wall; medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher, and huge bears sit side by side on the top shelf.

Ah Beng is surprised that this sexy Ah Lian should own so many cuddly bear toys. He decided not to let it bother him.

Instead, Ah Beng turns to Ah Lian and kisses her passionatelyon the lips. After just seconds they are ripping each other's clothes off and having wet and wild sex.

After their intense sex session, they are lying there together in the afterglow and Ah Beng asks, "Well, Ah Lian, how was it?"

Ah Lian says "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

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CopaAmerica · #**7523** 13-12-2016, 12:16 AM

Very good jokes, thanks!

bigbirdbird · #**7524** 13-12-2016, 08:10 AM

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions aboutfirst aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

bigbirdbird · #**7525** 13-12-2016, 08:13 AM

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.

He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.

After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.

He kept repeating his round over dinner.

The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.

The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.

"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy and threw it up in the air!"

bigbirdbird · #**7526** 13-12-2016, 08:14 AM

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual.

Selecao · #**7527** 13-12-2016, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.

He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.

After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.

He kept repeating his round over dinner.

The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.

The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.

"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy and threw it up in the air!"

This is funny!!!! ROFL

Thanks bro

bigbirdbird · #**7528** 15-12-2016, 08:45 AM

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

bigbirdbird · #**7529** 15-12-2016, 08:45 AM

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

bigbirdbird · #**7530** 15-12-2016, 08:47 AM

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:

"No darling... Let me be Frank".