Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 554

potatoesbouncer · #**8296** 07-01-2018, 10:20 AM

Thanks for all the joke

poolhot. · #**8297** 07-01-2018, 04:07 PM

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the original packaging!'

Jay Chou · #**8298** 07-01-2018, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poolhot.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the original packaging!'

Up u bro. 😊

poolhot. · #**8299** 07-01-2018, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jay Chou

Up u bro. 😊

Favor returned. Next joke

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!

But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'".....POOF!!!

danyen · #**8300** 08-01-2018, 04:07 PM

Very good jokes, thanks for sharing bros!

poolhot. · #**8301** 08-01-2018, 09:58 PM

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India ...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses plus something else for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses and something else.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses and something else instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him something else, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses and a few something else's.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance and something else.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN!!!!!!!

i^Xi0n · #**8302** 09-01-2018, 06:58 AM

Many thanks for sharing all the jokes bros, it's very nice. Look forward to more of it.

bigbirdbird · #**8303** 09-01-2018, 07:53 PM

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

bigbirdbird · #**8304** 09-01-2018, 07:56 PM

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with vaginas this big." He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."

bigbirdbird · #**8305** 09-01-2018, 07:57 PM

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop.

The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom.

"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer.

The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.

"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"

"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her."

bigbirdbird · #**8306** 09-01-2018, 07:57 PM

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and that she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals then
After a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he asked her to turn all the way around slowly - She did as instructed.

He then told her to raise her arms above her head then bend over touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said"OKgood. You can get dressed now and I will talk to your husband."

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband"Well you can relax there is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either."

bigbirdbird · #**8307** 09-01-2018, 07:58 PM

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"

"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

bigbirdbird · #**8308** 09-01-2018, 07:59 PM

One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.

He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his WANKER out as he went in the door.

However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can.

"This is for ladies!" she screamed!!

Scott waved his WANKER at her and said, "So is this!"

sponge05 · #**8309** 10-01-2018, 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband"Well you can relax there is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either."

hahaha, this joke is very good.

poolhot. · #**8310** 10-01-2018, 02:41 PM

A night with the princess

A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!