Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Serious Problem



Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he was having a ‘problem’. "Well, doctor. I am having trouble gaining and keeping an erection, but I never had any trouble before I got very sick a while ago."

After a complete exam the doctor determined that the muscles around the base of his manhood were damaged from a prior viral infection, and there was little or nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk to replace the damaged tissue.

Jack thought about it for a while. He was a young man, and the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his young wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his equipment sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure I can fit another roll up my ass."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

[LumChengHa]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Serious Problem



Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he was having a ‘problem’. "Well, doctor. I am having trouble gaining and keeping an erection, but I never had any trouble before I got very sick a while ago."

After a complete exam the doctor determined that the muscles around the base of his manhood were damaged from a prior viral infection, and there was little or nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk to replace the damaged tissue.

Jack thought about it for a while. He was a young man, and the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his young wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his equipment sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure I can fit another roll up my ass."

This is funny hehehe!!!!
Thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

[bigbirdbird]

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

[bigbirdbird]

The Most Venomous Snake In The World

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius"
(Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months.
The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[wahick]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

hahaha nice one!!

[etsys]

No comments

[phua chu kang]

Excellent jokes here. Tks.!!

[DominicSolanke]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Nice one here. Xie Xie.

[sorryloser]

Originally Posted by phua chu kang

Excellent jokes here. Tks.!!

Fully agreed with you.

[Informer]

Originally Posted by etsys

No comments

good share bro, it's very funny.

[xinahma]

Originally Posted by seesaw

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I'd rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"You see, she crossed her legs....."

Really funny!!

[carmegeddon]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

Tks you very much for the laughter.