Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

[opukimara]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A sexually active woman tells her Plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they had become too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man John Defoe upstairs in the burns unit.

He wanted to thank you for his two new ears."

Wahahahaa nice one!!

[bigbirdbird]

[etsys]

My small contribution

[roboslut1029]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Yeah, that's so true!!

[albertas]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

haha! very funny joke. hope to read more.

[TomcatF14]

Originally Posted by etsys

My small contribution

Very nice hahaa, tks.

[KTVbuddy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

hahaha, this is a good one.

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I'm fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn't fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."
It can be political -- "Fuck Trump!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two Doctors


There are two doctors staying in a hotel.

Both are frantic and worried men, who are pacing the hallway in the hotel lobby.

One turns to the other and complains, "I'm a doctor, and I have a patient in my room with a wooden leg. I have the leg apart and I can't get it back together!"

The other doctor answers, "Good God, I wish that were all I had to worry about! I have a great-looking girl in my room with both legs apart, and I can't remember my room number!"

[bigbirdbird]

In Science Class





Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[bigbirdbird]

Very Expensive Oyster Stone

[bigbirdbird]

Female Pre-Coital Agreement



I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat

that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So, when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that -- by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman -- it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.


Signed ____________________________________


Date ____________________

[bigbirdbird]

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."