Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[kums]

there was a little boy and his grandpa. they were on the lake fishing.

the grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts smoking. the little boy sees this and asks if he
can have one too. the grandpa replies "can your dik touch your butthole?" the
little boy replied no. so the grandpa said "too bad then you cant hav one"

next the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. the little boy sees this and
asks if he can hav a beer. the grandpa asks him once more,"can your dik touch your
butthole?" again the boy says no. so the grandpa says "too bad your can't
hav one"

the little boy is frustrated so he pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eating them. the
grandpa sees the cookies and asks the little boy for one. the little boy then asks
"can YOUR dik touch your butthole?" the grandpa thinks...then says yes. the
little boys replys "then go fuk yourself"

[kums]

NevEr AssUme
----------------

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the
local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.


The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to
get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what
you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'



"Life is short.

Drink the good wine first."

[kums]

mr. brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. ` i need stool,urine,and sperm
samples,`says the doctor. the old man thinks for a moment andthen says, `will my underwear
do?

[kums]

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

[Roman city]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. “What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks, “This is a clock shop!” He replies, “I know it is, and I would like two hands and a face put on this!”

[seesaw]

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the badest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.

She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.

The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

[seesaw]

Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation.

The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men shave in the mornings."

The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."

The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."

[seesaw]

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa, and were captured by a pigmy tribe.

The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die, could they chose the way they wanted to go.

After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat, and wanted to eat himself to death.

The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink, and wanted to drink himself to death.

Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explored loved to screw women.

This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women.

They finally got it all together, placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women, and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded.

He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much, he puked his guts out.

The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut...

10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses, and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

[Roman city]

This foreign man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and in a thick accent and somewhat broken English says, ”I like to buy those ladies drinks.” The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.” The foreign man, with a confused look on his face says, “Not matter, I want buy those women drinks.”

So the bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and they acknowledge the drinks with a nod of their heads. About a half hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I like to buy two drink more for you ladies.”

The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.” The foreign man says, “Me not understand. What you mean ‘won’t do me any good’?” The first woman says, “We’re lesbians.” To which the foreign man asks, “Lesbians? What is a lesbians?” To which the second woman replies, “Lesbians… we like to lick pussy.”

The foreign man yells, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

[Roman city]

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”

[bakylotus]

NEWLY WED


Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the
groom, 'Darling, now that we are married, I
want you to fire your secretary'.

'But why, honey', says the groom, 'You used
to be a secretary yourself'.

'Yes', she replied, 'thats why I want you to
fire her'.

[seesaw]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[seesaw]

This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave.

Her drinking companion Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that -- as her home was uphill and some streets away -- offered to push her home.

On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat.

Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.

Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case.

In fact, she said, "if you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall. If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."

No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time.

At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.

As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his daughter up to bed.

When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him.

Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his daughter.

The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his daughter.

The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door.

Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that damn hook!"

[seesaw]

Joe's Old Boat


Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted!!

[Roman city]

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.”