Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ilovelife.now]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

[ilovelife.now]

Three guys die and go to hell. “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”

The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.

The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.

Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The boulder immediately splits in half.

“Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”

Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”

The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.

“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with

“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”

“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.

Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”

CRACK

Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.

The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”

The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

[ilovelife.now]

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married a devil ! That would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband calmly says "marriage between mom and daughter is illegal."

[ilovelife.now]

A well dressed respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and calmly said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." �

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[ilovelife.now]

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

[Hurricane88]

A woman is flying on a 747 to US. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: “This is your Captain Ramaya Kirti. We are cruising at 35,000 feet etc etc...”

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks: ”Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?”

Stewardess: ”Yes, Captain Ramaya Kirti is a woman.”

Woman: “How wonderful I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?”

Stewardess: “Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman.”

Woman: “Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!”

Stewardess: Ok, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women.

Woman: “That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this has really made my day. I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!”

Stewardess: “One more thing you might like to know, we don't call it the cockpit any more.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Hurricane88]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

On a condom dispensing machine in London it was written:
" Very Safe.....!!!!! Strictly Made As Per High British Standards.....!!!!! "

Someone added the following :
"So was the Titanic, But then It leaked......"

[ilovelife.now]

On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words:

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me $20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin Ng".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, where he finds a $10 note. Thinking this would surely be better than nothing, he puts it into an envelope along with a note from 'Father Christmas' wishing the boy a Merry Christmas, making a mental note to deliver it himself the next morning.

A week later, the postman collects letters from the same postbox when he spots another letter with the same handwriting again addressed to Father Christmas. Smiling, he opens the letter to find a reply that read

"Dear Father Christmas,

Thank you for the money you sent! My mum was so pleased when I gave it to her. However, I did ask for $20 but when I opened the envelope there was only $10 inside. Don't worry about it though, the Singpost postman probably stole it.

Love Kevin Ng".

[Altigater]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

Unlucky frog

[Hurricane88]

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."

The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."

"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.

Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office . “Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me

“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, “Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

.. AND THAT, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

[bigbirdbird]

Great Bar!


Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and getlaid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

[bigbirdbird]

Business Trip


An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

On the 4th hole, a 209-yd par 3, the first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means ,“Good shot.”

The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie.”

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole.

As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot.”

The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one!

The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when

he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest.

The Japanese businessman replies, “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

[bigbirdbird]

Little Italian Boy


A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to point ata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.

It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "

[ilovelife.now]

Women are finally being drafted to NS!

About time as well, there's no way the poor kids should be cooking their own meals!

[Hurricane88]

This power of a Woman!

What says you?

*The Art of dealing ....*

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them.

But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, *"Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model !*

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

*_"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."_*

Once again..... don't mess with seniors. I love this one.
A great laugh. 😛😛😛😛😛