Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[girlassassin]

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Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Friends who are 50 years plus now*😊not to miss the story

...…...

Hahaha damn good one, thank you bro

[Hurricane88]

Morning jokes...

[bigbirdbird]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[bigbirdbird]

A Marine fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room.

The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

[bigbirdbird]

There was a preacher in a church down South who was getting more and more distressed by all the "Sunday" Christians who showed up for church on Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of the week. A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he got up in the pulpit one Sunday morning and laid into his congregation.

There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. "You people are all sinners and I'm getting tired of it! Its time to confess to your sins before God and your fellow sinners. We are going to have a cleansing. Right here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. Tell us your sins and clean yourself in the eyes of the Lord! Who's first?"

He walks down the aisle pointing at first one then another still hollering "Confess" and "Who will be first?"

One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and thepreacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your ways."

And to the audience, C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!"

And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children. Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me." And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss and then used that money to gamble." And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!"

And still another man stood and said in a firm voice: "I've had sex with a goat."

And the preacher replies in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't think I would confess to that!"

[bigbirdbird]

Some definitions


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation - To have and to hold.


Husband - What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.


Nursery - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.


Sissy - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist - A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat - A ball bearing mouse trap.

[bigbirdbird]

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"

"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".

"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."

"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"


**********************


A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

[1eyedino]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Hehe nice joke

[Hurricane88]

Discussion by a couple over mobile late at night.

WIFE : Where are you? Speaking so tensed. What happend???

HUSBAND : I'm in the car dear.
But the steering wheel, clutch pedal, brake pedal, accelarator pedal are all stolen from our car..
What to do now ??

WIFE : You drunk again??

HUSBAND : .A little... but how does that matter? Think about the car first dear.

WIFE : Expected.!! . You stupid idiot..!! Change from left seat to the right seat. You'll find everything..!!!!

🍺🍻🍷🥃🍾
Nobody knows you better than your WIFE..😂

[Hurricane88]

Broken English

Ah Beng & Ah Lian

Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut To eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,

Ah Beng

[Hurricane88]

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe;
go to the graveyard
and tell her you are God
and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this
and to his surprise,
the nun says
"Yes but only if we have anal sex
as I want to keep my virginity"
...

They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
and cries
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"

The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

[StrongBrew]

Last Friday, I took a guest to Sagar Ratna Restaurant. I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to reengineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, _We use the spoon_."😂😂

[Hurricane88]

An Indian girl went home with a bag of Bombay mangoes..
Her mother said.. "Lechumi, didn't I tell you not to climb that tree?. The boys will see your panty."
Lechumi: "Amma you think I am stupid.?. I took it off before I climbed the tree."
🌳🌳🌳

Don't laugh alone 😂 pass it and put a smile on someone's face.." 😂😂🤣😂😆😄😝

[temi]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
and cries
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"

The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

Damn good joke and funny too. Thanks for sharing.

[schauffhaussen]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

An Indian girl went home with a bag of Bombay mangoes..
Her mother said.. "Lechumi, didn't I tell you not to climb that tree?. The boys will see your panty."
Lechumi: "Amma you think I am stupid.?. I took it off before I climbed the tree."
🌳🌳🌳

Don't laugh alone 😂 pass it and put a smile on someone's face.." 😂😂🤣😂😆😄😝

What a great simple joke.
Thank you so much.
Hope can read more.