Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

Wife asks husband, 'How many women have you slept
with?'

Husband proudly replies, 'Only you darling, with all the
others I was awake!'.

[Roman city]

Happy with their two beautiful teenage daughters, but still wanting a son, a couple decided to try one more time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a baby boy.

The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to discover the ugliest child he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife and said “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife.

“Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife answered, ”Not this time.”

[ilovelife.now]

Prostitution is probably the only industry where freshers are paid more than the experienced.

[ilovelife.now]

Question: A Woman Normally has 2 Mouths! What’s the difference between the 2?

The 1st answered: 1 can talk But The other can′t.

2nd answered: 1 is Vertical and The other is Horizontal.

3rd answered: 1 is Hairy, The other isn′t.

The Last 1 answered: 1 is for My Use & The Other is for My Boss!

Boss: “Yes, You’re Hired!”

[seesaw]

What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common?

Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo"

Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do"


----------------



Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[seesaw]

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Remember these guidelines for future reference

[seesaw]

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."

[seesaw]

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him. The married guy replied,"Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."

The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off." Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.

About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"

[bakylotus]

THE END OF TROUBLES

'Son, I just know you will do the right thing by
this little girl', said the preacher. 'You just marry
her and you will be at the end of your troubles'.

So he did the right thing and married the girl, and
six months later when he met the preacher again
he tried to murder him.

'You miserable liar', shouted the young man. 'You
told me if I married her, I would be at the end of
my troubles, well I married her and she had made
my life miserable'.

'That may be true son, but you can't blame me',
replied the minister. 'I said you will be at the end
of your troubles, but I didn't say which end'.

[Roman city]

Tom’s grandfather left him ten million dollars and it was the very next week his long time girlfriend Jane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Tom noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. “Jane, the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died”

“Don’t be ridiculous…” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

[ilovelife.now]

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?

* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.

* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?

* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

[ilovelife.now]

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, “Your wife’s pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!”

[ilovelife.now]

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
With your teeth through her shirt.....108 Calories

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..................................... 12 Calories
69 lying down............................... 78 Calories
69 standing up............................. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ .....326 Calories
Italian chandelier. (just look it up).. 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

So if you want to lose weight try to have a bonk with another gal when your wife is at home..

[beary]

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

[beary]

A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month.

Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"

"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.

"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.

Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening.

She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.

"Are you OK?" asks the guy.

"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?"