Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ChunkyMonkeys]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, "You're going out as that?" "Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

Haha... this is nice

[Hurricane88]

That's a hilarious _forward_ : 😀

Did you know this???

For Railway Crossings in India there are MALE LEVEL CROSSINGS and FEMALE LEVEL CROSSINGS...!!!😳

Can you guess how they are distinguished..??

Read this...!!!

An inquiry was being held for an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab.

A Station Master was asked by the Inquiry Commission:

"How many railway crossings are there in your area?"

Station Master replies:

"There are totally 11 railway crossings; 4 are unmanned and 7 are manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings, 4 are male & 3 are female your Honour."

🤔After a brief silence, the Inquiry Commission asked?
"What do you mean by 'male' and 'female' crossings? Please explain?"

To which the Station Master replies:

"Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male and where the gates spread open we call it female"...!!!😐

Some officials nearly fainted!!!
We love the Indian Railways 😌

LOL 🤣😂😜😂

[Hurricane88]

Some Humour A Day Keeps
the Boredom Away:

I asked my new girlfriend
what sort of books she's interested in.

She said - Cheque books.

😄😅

The easiest way to make
your old car run better,
is to check the prices of new car.

😁😄


Q: What's the difference between
a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.

😅😁

Definition of Nurse :
A beautiful woman who holds
your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse
to be normal.

😧😁

Boss:- We are very keen on cleanliness.
Did you wipe your feet on the mat
as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness.
There is no mat.

😧😄

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading
a dog's life!

😛😄


Q: What's the similarity
between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings you
into the world crying
& the other ensures
you continue to do so.

😎😧


What's the difference between
a good secretary and
a personal secretary?

*One says "Good morning, boss".*

*The other says "It's morning, boss."*😜

😃😃😃

Keep smiling!!

[Hurricane88]

More jokes...

[Snoke]

What a great thread with nice jokes.

Thank you so much.

[eveofxmas]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Some Humour A Day Keeps
the Boredom Away:

I asked my new girlfriend
what sort of books she's interested in.

She said - Cheque books.

What's the difference between
a good secretary and
a personal secretary?

*One says "Good morning, boss".*

*The other says "It's morning, boss."*😜

😃😃😃

Keep smiling!!

Very nice jokes. Thank you for posting.

[thanksgiving]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

That's a hilarious _forward_ : 😀

Did you know this???

For Railway Crossings in India there are MALE LEVEL CROSSINGS and FEMALE LEVEL CROSSINGS...!!!😳

Can you guess how they are distinguished..??

Read this...!!!

An inquiry was being held for an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab.

A Station Master was asked by the Inquiry Commission:

"How many railway crossings are there in your area?"

Station Master replies:

"There are totally 11 railway crossings; 4 are unmanned and 7 are manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings, 4 are male & 3 are female your Honour."

🤔After a brief silence, the Inquiry Commission asked?
"What do you mean by 'male' and 'female' crossings? Please explain?"

To which the Station Master replies:

"Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male and where the gates spread open we call it female"...!!!😐

Some officials nearly fainted!!!
We love the Indian Railways 😌

LOL 🤣😂😜😂

LMAO, so funny.

Hope to read more thanks.

[7ha7ha7ha]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Haha very nice share, tks bro

[lowcust]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

What's the difference between
a good secretary and
a personal secretary?

*One says "Good morning, boss".*

*The other says "It's morning, boss."*😜

😃😃😃

Keep smiling!!

Very good one, ROFL

[FBIBangley]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

That's a hilarious _forward_ : 😀

Did you know this???

For Railway Crossings in India there are MALE LEVEL CROSSINGS and FEMALE LEVEL CROSSINGS...!!!😳

Can you guess how they are distinguished..??

Read this...!!!

An inquiry was being held for an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab.

A Station Master was asked by the Inquiry Commission:

"How many railway crossings are there in your area?"

Station Master replies:

"There are totally 11 railway crossings; 4 are unmanned and 7 are manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings, 4 are male & 3 are female your Honour."

🤔After a brief silence, the Inquiry Commission asked?
"What do you mean by 'male' and 'female' crossings? Please explain?"

To which the Station Master replies:

"Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male and where the gates spread open we call it female"...!!!😐

Some officials nearly fainted!!!
We love the Indian Railways 😌

LOL 🤣😂😜😂

Good share bro, I learnt something new!

[zoof6zang]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Home made is best right?

[Hurricane88]

An engineer, a doctor and an advocate went to Bangkok for fun trip.

To save the money they hired only One Thai babe. 💃

When asked for her rate, she said she would charge each of them as per their dick length in inches.
Dick length x1000 bahts.

At first, the doctor went with her.
When he came back, other two asked him how much he paid.

"6000 bahts......." the doctor said.

Then it was a lawyer.

" How much.....????? "

" 8000 Bahts " the lawyer said with his head high.

Then went the Engineer.
_'' How much you paid....???? "_
The doctor and the lawyer asked anxiously.....!!!! 😳


" 2000........."


"Oh....!!!! 😤
You have such a small thing.
We feel sorry for you....."
The doctor and the lawyer said, keeping their joy in minds.


The *Engineer* Smiled 😋 and said :
*_'' In Our Contracts, Measurements are taken after the Work Is Completed.....!!!! "_*

🤣🤣🤣👍

[bigbirdbird]

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new young rooster for his chickens. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "oK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "now don't give me a hassle about this old man.

It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it!You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow. I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles. "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks, "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on.

Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust, "damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

[bigbirdbird]

George wanted to last longer during intercourse.

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.

Suddenly, George had a flash of inspiration, and he realized what he should do.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck’s undercarriage.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to pleasure himself.

Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

[bigbirdbird]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."