Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Roman city]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman… She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. “Your Honor,” she began calmly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”

[xue_yy]

haha intresting TS

[ilovelife.now]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

[beary]

Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

[beary]

Sex Calories



Calories we burn whilst having sex!

"If you like exercise, you will like this chart,

If you loathe to exercise, you will love this chart!"


The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories

If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories

------------

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.


Normal size............22 calories

Oversize.................15 calories

Tremendous............8 calories

Teensy-weensy.......163 calories

------------

Positions


Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories

Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories

Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.

From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories

Standing

Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories

Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories

The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction

While in traction.......................................... ...................124 calories

(very useful during ski season)

----------

Locations

On a bar stool....................20 calories

Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories

In a phone booth

Standing.......................14 calories

lying down...................274 calories

On an airliner

Aisle seat....................24 calories

Middle seat.................42 calories

Window seat...............30 calories

In the lavatory.............100 calories

------------

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse


Bouncing........................7 calories

Sliding around................9 calories

Serious Skidding............12 calories

Full cartwheel................20 calories

Whiplash........................27 calories

Knee burn.......................6 calories

Chafed elbows...............5 calories

Chafed nose...................11 calories

------------

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories

Wheezing.......................................... ...............5 calories

Squeals........................................... .................4 calories

Ecstatic moaning........................................... ...11 calories

Low growling.......................................... ........8 calories

Squishing......................................... ................10 calories

Shouting.......................................... .................16 calories

Screaming......................................... ...............18 calories

Urgent begging........................................... ......22 calories

Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories

"Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples

[beary]

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go................................................ ..........5 1/2 calories

Controlling yourself.........................................7 9 calories

Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories

Trembling......................................... ...............15 calories

Shaking........................................... .................20 calories

Shuddering........................................ ..............25 calories

Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

------------

Orgasm

Real............27 calories

Faked.........160 calories


-----------


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie

Face turned purple........................15 calories

Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories

Magical explosions.......................10 calories

Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories

Earth moved..................................30 calories

Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories

You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

------------

Pulling Out

After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie

A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

------------

Multiple Orgasms

For woman

2......14 calories

5......30 calories

8......47 calories


Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.


For Men

2......21 calories

3......39 calories

4......57 calories


For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.


-----------

Special Orgasms

Clitoral...............15 calories

Vaginal...............21 calories

Penile.................21 calories

Scrotile..............15 calories

Rectal................25 calories

Oral...................30 calories

(can also occur during an especially good meal)


------------

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion.............................2 calories

During intercourse.........................5 calories

approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,

which ever comes first

During foreplay.............................3 calories

Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories

similar to premature ejaculation except male

acts childish and throws a tantrum

*Often caused by an inability to do things right.

------------


Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.



For Woman

Frustration....................................... ...8 calories

Anger............................................. ....15 calories

Violent mood swing...........................20 calories

Suppressing rage................................25 calories

Not suppressing anger........................65 calories

in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.



For Men

Cursing........................................... ...10 calories

Apologizing....................................... 3 calories

Sniveling......................................... .5 calories

Pleading for mercy............................8 calories

Begging for another chance...............15 calories

Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.

------------

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning.........................6 calories

Palpitations......................10 calories

Shortness of breath..........5 calories

Perspiring........................8 calories

------------

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex


A less-than-sunny disposition........1 calorie

------------

Recovering

Un-entwining......................................... ...3 calories

Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories

After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice.

Standing up...............................................9 calories

Getting some juice....................................11 calories

[beary]

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse............18 calories

Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.



During intercourse.........32 calories

Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.

During foreplay.............12 calories

Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.

------------

Trying Again

If the woman is ready...........5 calories

If the man is not....................156 calories

------------

Dreaming

Regular dream.................2 calories

Wet Dream......................16 calories

Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices

Wet Trance......................20 calories

Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist

------------

Group Sex



Introducing yourself.....................3 calories

Overcoming shyness....................8 calories

Swapping partners

Willingly.................................4 calories

Unwillingly.............................62 calories

Jealousy......................................16 calories

Partner having more fun than you are

Mixed doubles............................26 calories

Being nice to everyone...............100 calories

Anger..........................................10 calories

You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.

Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.

Finding your clothes....................5 calories

------------

Masturbation

For pleasure only...................................6 calories

For exercise, too....................................10 calories

For relief from tension...........................12 calories

To pass the time.....................................7 calories

To avoid overeating...............................16 calories

To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories

To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories

To avoid insanity..................................24 calories

To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.


Using

Your hand(s):

Regular way......................................11 calories

Your finger(s)...................................9 calories

Tweezers.......................................... ....2 calories

An inflatable doll.................................24 calories

Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories

except watermelon or a sprig of parsley

A vibrator:

Hand-operated.................................12 calories

Windup............................................ 9 calories

Electric.......................................... ..5 calories

Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories

In a pornographic movie theater

Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories

Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories

Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

------------

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories

Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories

Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories

Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories

Climaxing too late.............................................. .6 calories

Not climaxing......................................... .............20 calories

Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories

Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories

Partner will neglect to administer last rites

should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

------------

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories

Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories

Penis envy.............................................. ...........................72 calories

Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories


-----------

Getting Caught

By partner's spouse.........60 calories

By your spouse................60 1/2 calories

Trying to explain.............165 calories

Stuttering.........................28 calories

Throwing-up...................40 calories


Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

------------

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories

Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories

Leaping out of bed................................25 calories

Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories

Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories

Jumping out of window........................15 calories

add 5 calories if window wasnt open

Landing........................................... .....1 calorie

Running very fast.................................50 calories

[Roman city]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

[Ruffles]

Tattooed Pen*s

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his pen*s. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

[Ruffles]

Sandbox Humor

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

[Ruffles]

NEW SECRETARY

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

[Ruffles]

Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[Ruffles]

Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

[Ruffles]

An Atheist

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

[Ruffles]

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"