Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Where do babies come from ?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[soundlab]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut,
eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie. "
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too. "

[soundlab]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
the first time.
The first lady said, ‘I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets ondat plane.’
‘Why you gonna wear dem fo?’, the other two asked.
The first replied, ‘Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonnafind me first.’
The second lady said, ‘Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant
orange panties.’
‘Why you gonna wear dem?’ the others asked.
The second lady answered, ‘Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.’
The third old lady says, ‘Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties’.
‘What? No panties?’ the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, ‘Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right.’
‘I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, the
fust thang dey always look fo is a black box!’

[soundlab]

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when
he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, ‘Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?’
‘Are you nuts?!!!’ she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does.
‘Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?’ he asks
again.
‘Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?’
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her
again; ‘Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000
dollars?’
She thinks about it for a while and says, ‘Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.’
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, ‘Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?’
‘Nah’, says the little old Jewish man... ‘Costs too much...’

[soundlab]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into
a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the
bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his
bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a
hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever
you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be
strong and I love you.’
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
‘Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen
a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering
in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept
the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.’

[soundlab]

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the
instructor.
‘As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a
straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.’
‘At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is
the egg.’
‘Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.'‘
‘From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do
you understand?’
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.
He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that
he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky
ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says,
‘Hi, I'm a sperm!’
The red sticky ball smiles and says, ‘Hi. I'm a tonsil.’

[seesaw]

A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc.

The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.

Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.

Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.

"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."

At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.

"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."

Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.

At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.

Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.

To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"

[seesaw]

A guy is at a bar sipping his drink when he spots a gorgeous blonde sitting at one of the tables with her friends.

She catches him staring at her and they eye each other for a while.

Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger).

So she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear,

"If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand."


****

A guy is driving through the country and his car breaks down.

He sees a farmhouse in the distance, so he goes over and knocks on the door.

A little kid comes to the door, and the guy says, "My car just broke down and I'd like to use your telephone. Is you mom home?"

The little kid says, "Nope."

The guy says, "Well, where is she?"

The little kid says, "Oh, she's out in the backyard, fucking the old goat."

The guy goes, "Oh my God! Isn't she afraid of getting pregnant?"

The little kid says, "Naaa-aaa!"

[tcss-moderator]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[tcss-moderator]

The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Silver Wolf]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[Silver Wolf]

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank,
which drives him crazy.
One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.
Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

[Silver Wolf]

Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"
"Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"
"I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

[bakylotus]

CANNIBAL HEADHUNTER'S RESTAURANT


A cannibal headhunter was walking through the
Sarawak jungle and came upon a restaurant operated
by a fellow headhunter.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked at
the menu...



1. Any tourist 5.00 dollars

2. Broiled Korean Missionary 10.00 dollars

3. Fried American Explorer 15.00 dollars

4. Grilled and baked UMNO Minister 100.00



The cannibal headhunter called over the
waiter and asked, 'Why such a big difference
in price over the Umno Minister's head?'


The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean
one? They are so full of shit it takes all morning
to clean one up'.

[Ruffles]

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'