Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sammyboyfor]

Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
................

[bakylotus]

ALLOW ME TO CONTRIBUTE THE FIRST JOKE: THE TEXAN

A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm clear
afternoon in Chicago. When the bus stopped, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg enough
to step onto the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
it would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, for the 2nd time attempted
the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raised her leg.
With another little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and
yelled, 'How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who
you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well Ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we were friends'.

[bakylotus]

JUST FOR LAUGHS


Two men met while both were looking for their wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5'7', 36-24-36, Fair, Blue Eyes, What about yours?
1st: Forget mine, let's look for yours!

What is the definition of MISTRESS?
Someone between the MISTER and the MATRESS.

Son asked Dad the difference between Confident and Confidential.
Dad says, You are my son, I'm confident, your friend is also
my son, that's confidential.

Mother to teenage daughter: I think it is the right time we
talk about sex.
Daughter excitingly: Sure Mum, tell me what you what to know.
Mother faints!

Man comes home, finds his wife and his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, If you behave like this, you will lose all your
friends.

[profane]

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

[profane]

Why I Love Her

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

[profane]

Where Babies Come From

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

[konnects]

Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[konnects]

Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What''s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?

A man''s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don''t mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

Did you hear about the banker who''s a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant....

abortions would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man''s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn''t hump women''s legs at cocktail parties.

[konnects]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

[konnects]

A little boy asked his father

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[konnects]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[bakylotus]

THE DRUNK AND THE BLONDE

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde
a few seats away from him. A fellow at the other end of the
bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills a mug and slides
it down the bar.

The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills the beer all
over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and
licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk
jumps up and also lick her breasts. She floors him!

He's lying on the floor groaning and moaning. 'How come you
let the bartender do it?' he asked the blonde.

She answers, 'Because he's got a licker (liquor) licence!

[roastduck]

Bullshit Session

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."

[roastduck]

WHAT SIZE?

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...
Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"
Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"
Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Make it MEDIUM..."
"Wait! Make it LARGE..."
"Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

[roastduck]

Now THIS is drunk...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"