Getting a Divorce

[Timely Rain]

I am getting a divorce after 12 years.

I have a son, a house, and some joint bank accounts.

Got any advice on the process, lawyer fee, things to look out for etc.?

[Hunkydunky]

Can share a little more about your marriage? Eg.. kid usually stick with who more? Who earns more? Background of divorce? Etc...

[fallen11]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

I am getting a divorce after 12 years.

I have a son, a house, and some joint bank accounts.

Got any advice on the process, lawyer fee, things to look out for etc.?

contested or uncontested divorce?
what kind of settlement / arrangement are you seeking? Child custody? nego this with spouse first. Much easier if both can agree to the divorce terms.
reason for divorce? (not that i'm interested, but the court will be)
Are u the male or female party?

[Timely Rain]

Originally Posted by Hunkydunky

Can share a little more about your marriage? Eg.. kid usually stick with who more? Who earns more? Background of divorce? Etc...

1) Kid sticks with both of us. He is the only reason why we are still under the same roof.
2) I earn more.
3) She is addicted to alcohol and will create a storm when drunk 2 to 3 times a week. This happened since COVID shutdown. I am very mentally stressed by this, cannot sleep in peace, to the extent of going crazy myself and even think of commit suicide.

Originally Posted by fallen11

contested or uncontested divorce?
what kind of settlement / arrangement are you seeking? Child custody? nego this with spouse first. Much easier if both can agree to the divorce terms.
reason for divorce? (not that i'm interested, but the court will be)
Are u the male or female party?

To be frank, I dun know. She cannot do without the child. She always use child as ransom. So i think she will put in unreasonable demands. Although we lived under same roof, we have separated bed for 10 years. I am male party.

[demonhunter]

Get some videos via HP or CCTV when shes drunk and misbehaving .

Court will decide based on the best environment for the kid. aka welfare.

[Willamshakspear]

Normally, the insignificant nobody me would advise against divorce, but try to find ways and means to reconcile, as marriage is sacred & binds each to another on an eternal oath.

However, when it gets to the point when you are contemplating ending your life by suicide, it shows has disastrous the marriage had became, made worse by the alcoholism of your partner, which makes reconciliation difficult, as I can visualize the effects of alcoholism & the baggage that accompanies such, as most alcoholics do not drink alone, but with company, as well as the fact that you both live now in separate rooms..

Divorce is legal in Singapore. But as you both love your son, it will be a bitter custody fight in courts, & the costs involved would be very high, costs that would had given your child the necessary uni education he would need, to achieve in life.

You will have savings that may help to pay the high legal fees, but do not under-estimate your wife's financial ability, as she will have a family & friends to turn to, as well as access to loans.

Thus you will have to be pragmatic, like most Singaporeans. When a child is involved, the Court will usually give Joint Custody, regardless of who win in Court. You will never need to worry about not being able to see your son even if you lose.

So, rather than a bitter fight, go for uncontested divorce instead. Let her keep the son, & never be held hostage by her obstructive demands again. The legal costs are small, only around $2k. Your assets & joint bank accounts will be divided up equally. Sell the home, split the profits, and each go on to live life, wiser this time, each free to find a hopefully better companion for life. As for the alimony, you can get your lawyer to discuss, negotiate & fine tune the terms & conditions to an agreed sum satisfactory to both.

As for your son that you love, you will still be able to see him at least once a week, as well as everyday on social media, to keep in touch with him, to guide him, & be the anchor for him in his life, even if his mother fails to do so.

With the savings made from the uncontested divorce, you will be able to give him a better future, & your mind free to live life than in daily bitterness...

[fallen11]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

To be frank, I dun know. She cannot do without the child. She always use child as ransom. So i think she will put in unreasonable demands. Although we lived under same roof, we have separated bed for 10 years. I am male party.

if you want the child custody, start collecting evidence of her frequent drunk episodes. Even better if she showed violent tendencies during such episodes. The party showing violence will be at a great disadvantage in court when coming to custody battle.

But know this: To a woman, her child may be more important than her own life. Take note not to force it too far. She may just..... u know...... hug the child and end their life together than to lose the child custody to you. If u sense that might happen, its better to just give up child custody to her.
Other unreasonable demands can be fought off partially in court. Judge and lawyers can see these unreasonable demands easily and know whats realistic and whats not. Default ruling to expect before the court fight begins: half half for both parties even for the matrimonal house which only you paid for. Then from there, she starts to prove to court why she deserves more than that and you start to prove to court why she shouldn't or why you deserved more.

You may also start to arrange for marriage counselling sessions to attend. Not that such counselling works, but to prove to court when needed that "you have made efforts to reconcile the marriage, on your part". The best is that she doesnt even turn up to attend.

[larue]

Originally Posted by Willamshakspear

Let her keep the son, & never be held hostage by her obstructive demands again.

I used to think that way, but I have since come to realize that children often need to be protected from the other parent, and simply 'letting' the other parent keep the child, or children is sometimes the worst thing a parent can do for their child.

If your child needs to be protected from her emotional instability and drunkenness, protect your child.

[Willamshakspear]

Originally Posted by fallen11

if you want the child custody, start collecting evidence of her frequent drunk episodes. Even better if she showed violent tendencies during such episodes. The party showing violence will be at a great disadvantage in court when coming to custody battle.

But know this: To a woman, her child may be more important than her own life. Take note not to force it too far. She may just..... u know...... hug the child and end their life together than to lose the child custody to you. If u sense that might happen, its better to just give up child custody to her.
Other unreasonable demands can be fought off partially in court. Judge and lawyers can see these unreasonable demands easily and know whats realistic and whats not. Default ruling to expect before the court fight begins: half half for both parties even for the matrimonal house which only you paid for. Then from there, she starts to prove to court why she deserves more than that and you start to prove to court why she shouldn't or why you deserved more.

You may also start to arrange for marriage counselling sessions to attend. Not that such counselling works, but to prove to court when needed that "you have made efforts to reconcile the marriage, on your part". The best is that she doesnt even turn up to attend.

I would agree with Mr. Fallen's post wholeheartedly as each life is precious & means something special to another. At times, it's better to give up, & find OTHER means to remain in contact to guide a loved child, one's flesh & blood.

It's like the tale of ancient King Solomon & the maternal suit between 2 mothers claiming a baby. The fair & wise King gave a judgement - split the baby into half & each will get a share. The false mother agreed, after it was not hers anyway & sought to deprive the true mother of her child. The true mother instead, chose to give up, so that the baby may at least live, painful as it is to her, & the rest is history..

To Mr. Larue, Emotional instability & drunkeness is not an easy thing to prove in Spore Courts, unless actual harm was done to the child. It would need certification from IMH & highly doubtful if the wife would voluntarily submit for tests.

Videos will help, but only to a limited extend, & is subjective as being drunk is not a crime unless someone is hurt, & lawyers/judge will see if it was provoked, intentionally or not.

If someone is hurt, it is best to go to a med clinic, to highlight the injuries & can be used as a certified document in Court cases. Normally, a Protection Order will be issued.

However, there may be underlaying issues why the wife had been addicted to alcohol, which we here may never know, in order to help... Alcohol addiction can be rehabilitated, but one must find out its source, the root, in order to help in rehabilitation.

[Timely Rain]

Thank you all for your valuable advices.

Let me digest them and return with more questions.

Originally Posted by funboi

how old the child?

He is 10 years old in P4.

[larue]

Originally Posted by Willamshakspear

I would agree with Mr. Fallen's post wholeheartedly as each life is precious & means something special to another. At times, it's better to give up, & find OTHER means to remain in contact to guide a loved child, one's flesh & blood.

It's like the tale of ancient King Solomon & the maternal suit between 2 mothers claiming a baby. The fair & wise King gave a judgement - split the baby into half & each will get a share. The false mother agreed, after it was not hers anyway & sought to deprive the true mother of her child. The true mother instead, chose to give up, so that the baby may at least live, painful as it is to her, & the rest is history..

To Mr. Larue, Emotional instability & drunkeness is not an easy thing to prove in Spore Courts, unless actual harm was done to the child. It would need certification from IMH & highly doubtful if the wife would voluntarily submit for tests.

Videos will help, but only to a limited extend, & is subjective as being drunk is not a crime unless someone is hurt, & lawyers/judge will see if it was provoked, intentionally or not.

If someone is hurt, it is best to go to a med clinic, to highlight the injuries & can be used as a certified document in Court cases. Normally, a Protection Order will be issued.

However, there may be underlaying issues why the wife had been addicted to alcohol, which we here may never know, in order to help... Alcohol addiction can be rehabilitated, but one must find out its source, the root, in order to help in rehabilitation.

I know it’s not easy to prove, my point is that any and all means should be used to protect children from an emotionally manipulative parent who is unable to act in the child’s best interest.

[fallen11]

Originally Posted by larue

I know it’s not easy to prove, my point is that any and all means should be used to protect children from an emotionally manipulative parent who is unable to act in the child’s best interest.

its different when the child becomes her hostage.

[ryaw]

Use your son to advise her of the drinking problem or check her in to a clinic

really not worth to divorce because of drinking problem.

[chariotholder]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

I am getting a divorce after 12 years.

I have a son, a house, and some joint bank accounts.

Got any advice on the process, lawyer fee, things to look out for etc.?

I already divorced but my divorce was uncontested. It was mutual. So nothing much. Just lawyer prepare paper work and we sign.

If you can agree on terms, then it becomes uncontested, save alot of hassle. If terms cannot be agree upon, you better start gathering evidence that can used to protect you and your child.

Custody, court will rule in favour of child's welfare. Not just who the child likes. That's being said it starts in favour of the mother first usually. So you need evidence to prove the child is better with you.

[iamsootlor]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

I am getting a divorce after 12 years.

I have a son, a house, and some joint bank accounts.

Got any advice on the process, lawyer fee, things to look out for etc.?

If I am not mistaken there should be low cost government based lawyers. However depends on the degree of contesting, you might want to hire a good divorce laywer to get the win. Cost wise , very ball park figure. A colleague of mine hired his for about 3000. But that was many years back. Market rate may have changed. His was uncontested.